Mr Cotton's Parrot
by TertiaryRaiths
Summary: Basically, a girl is transported into the Pirates of the Caribbean world. But she's not exactly herself......
1. Ordinary Day

**Okay, this is my first attempt at a Pirates of the Caribbean fanfic, so please be kind. **

**Note: I do not own Pirates or its characters, yada yada yada...

* * *

**When my alarm went off at 5:00 a.m. on a Thursday, I fully expected it to be just another day. My dog, Gator, jumped on the bed and started licking my face. I mean, COME ON!!! He's a dachshund, I don't even know how he GOT up there! I reluctantly rolled out of bed and staggered across the room to my closet. I took out some clothes, changed, and went to the bathroom. I peered at myself in the mirror. As usual, my thick, plain brown hair was a mess. I raked a brush through it and whacked a hair band around it. 

After I got my contacts in I went downstairs and rummaged through the pantry for some sort of edible cereal. "MOM!" I yelled. "WHERE'S THE LIFE?"

"Your little sister ate the last of it yesterday," she replied from the dining room. "I haven't gotten to the store yet. Just eat some of that Kashi stuff."

"Great," I groaned, dragging the cereal box off the shelf.

"Honey, what are you WEARING?" my mom asked. I looked down at myself. Okay, so the red _Pirates_ t-shirt didn't exactly match the pink sweat-pants and green socks.

"Mooomm," I whined. "It's not like ANYONE notices what I wear but you anyway."

"Hey, Helen...what are you wearing?" Holly asked, pushing by me into the pantry.

"Clothes," I grumbled.

"You look like a Valentine's day commercial!" Holly said, bursting into laughter. She thinks she's hilarious.

"Ha-ha, Holly."

"Holly, you can have Life if you want it."

"WHHHAAAT?"

"You need to eat healthier, Helen. I don't want you to be pudgy like I was when I was your age."

"Oh, but Holly-"

"We aren't discussing this anymore, young lady," Mom said firmly. Holly gave me a trademark evil smile-I stuck my tongue out at her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I was actually at the bus stop early. One of my friends, Alicia, was already there.

"Hey, Helen!" she called as I approached. I sort of waved, I think. My brain doesn't operate too well before six.

"What are you WEARING? Valentine's Day was last week," Alicia commented.

"It was just what was in my closet," I muttered.

"Oh, well." Alicia is quite the morning person. Darn her.

"Helen!" The other bus stop kid showed up. Ty. He was two years older than me and claimed to be a semi-professional wrestler. Of course, he'd only told me and Alicia, and sworn us to secrecy.

"Ty."

"Pink and-red?" he asked, surveying my outfit.

I groaned.

* * *

**This story will have a point. Just sort of testing out my character first. Promise.**


	2. NO WAY!

**Okay, this is my first attempt at a Pirates of the Caribbean fanfic, so please be kind. **

**Note: I do not own Pirates or its characters, yada yada yada...

* * *

**We got off the bus at my school, Harrison Junior High. No sooner had I walked through the navy blue painted doors and onto the white tile then She showed up in a wave of perfume and billowing black hair.

She is also known as Amber Molvey, the self-proclaimed Queen of Harrison. She was typical prep-girl pretty; tall and thin, not short and-Alicia said 'plump'- like me, with long, straight black hair, the perfect skin that stayed tan even though the sun never came out, the big, brilliant green eyes, and the clothes to match Her perfect little self. Everyone loved Amber, from the lowliest nerd to the strictest teachers.

I hated Her.

"So, _Helen_," she purred. "How _are_ you?"

"Fine, Amber," I replied.

"I just _love_ what you're wearing. How very..._unique_." She glanced at her posse with a little smile, and they giggled, right on cue. "I mean, where did you _buy_ those _clothes_? The _thrift_ store?" At that they all burst into laughter.

I could feel my face heating up, and I knew I was going to do something stupid in a minute. Alicia tugged on my arm.

"C'mon, Helen," she said. "Let's just go."

"No," I replied. "I'm sick and tired of her making her stupid little JOKES at me. I can't STAND it!"

"Oh, _dear_," Amber sighed. "I think we've _upset_ her. Be more like your little _geek_ friend, Helen, and run away."

I jumped on her. Instantly everyone gathered 'round to watch a fight. I didn't exactly give them what they wanted. I grabbed Her cute little purse and ran for it, right as the bell rang to go to homeroom. Amber was screaming after me. I was so busted, but I didn't even care. I figured it was worth the lunch detention.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I was just sitting there in detention, smirking to myself and replaying the moment in my head when I had attacked Her. Then it hit. It felt like something was moving around in my insides, a nauseous squirmy feeling that faded almost instantly, to my relief. Then it was back, but it was more of a 'something just tore out my liver' sort of thing. I could barely breathe until it faded to an almost bearable agony.

"Miss Hopkins!" I gasped. She glanced up from her magazine at me. "Ms. Hopkins, I don't feel so good!"

Her eyes widened. She was still in training as a teacher, not much more than a teacher's assistant, really. I could totally tell she was afraid I was going to puke on the floor. "Um, okay, I'll write you a note to the nurse..."

I nodded and got up when the third wave hit, somewhere between the squirmy feeling and the liver-ripping feeling. I think I fell and hit something, because my vision sort of went starry, then faded out to white. Things slowly faded back in...it sounded a bit like the detention room, but I couldn't hear Miss Hopkins freaking, like she would be if a student had just collapsed in detention. It was just sounds, but they didn't make any sense, because I could hear the ocean, but there wasn't any ocean for miles around Harrison...

* * *

Sight was the last of my senses to return. It was odd; it felt like my eyes weren't mine, they were really small, and I could only see a portion of what I would be able to see normally. For a minute, I was sure I'd gone blind. Then I saw something that totally freaked me out.

Okay, so it looked a bit like Johnny Depp; you know, as Captain Jack. Actually, it looked a LOT like Johnny Depp as Captain Jack. I figured something must have happened to me, maybe I had a concussion or something. 'Cause Captain Jack wasn't real, I was sure of it. I was pretty content to just sit it out. Then a guy who looked like WILL TURNER was standing there, next to Jack. And he was, you know, talking.

"So this is your able-bodied crew?" he was asking Jack. Jack kinda ignored him.

"You, sailor!" he cried.

I heard a voice that sounded familiar saying, "Cotton, sir."

Jack started again. "Mr. Cotton...do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death? Mr. Cotton? Answer, man!"

That familiar-sounding voice spoke again, and I recognized it finally as the voice of Mr. Gibbs. "He's a mute, sir. Poor devil had his tongue cut out, so he trained the parrot to speak for him. No one's yet figured out how.

Jack made a face. "Mr. Cotton's...parrot. Same question."

Everyone was looking at me rather expectantly.

"Well?" Jack asked impatiently. I turned my head to see what they were looking at. I caught a glimpse of my body, but it wasn't really MINE. It was blue and yellow and feathered.

Holy crap.

I WAS MR. COTTON'S PARROT!?

* * *

**This story will have a point. Just sort of testing out my character first. Promise.**


	3. In Which a Modern Girl Gets to Fly

**Okay, this is my first attempt at a Pirates of the Caribbean fanfic, so please be kind. **

**Note: I do not own Pirates or its characters, yada yada yada...

* * *

**I think it was to my credit that I didn't have a heart attack. I turned my little parrot head back to Jack and opened my mouth-beak- to say the words I knew by heart.

"Wind in the sails! Wind in the sails!"

It was stupid and demeaning, but hey. I wanted to come along...and that meant I had to bring Mr. Cotton.

Gibbs said, "Mostly we figure that means yes."

"O' course it does," Jack said, turning to Will. "Satisfied?"

"Well, you've proved they're mad," Will replied.

I think other people started talking then, but I tuned them out. I lifted my arm-the wing of the parrot lifted.

Oddly, the first thought in my head was, _I can FLY!_ But when that moment passed, the second thought came.

_What the heck am I doing in the body of Mr. Cotton's parrot?_ Was this a demented dream? I mean, I read stories on Pirates of the Caribbean websites about people getting dropped into the Pirates world, but if it was gonna happen to ME, why couldn't I be ME? I was in a PARROT body, for crise sake! How uncool was that?

Well, we went and got on that ship (I always was confused as to whether it was the _Dauntless_ or I_nterceptor_, but the words painted on said _Interceptor_.) Oh, and when I say we, I mean me and Mr. Cotton. Seeing as I apparently don't GO anywhere unless I fly these days.

Jack, of course, swaggered on it like he owned it and started shouting orders at everybody. Mr. Cotton, of course, being the hired help, was obeying. I was getting dizzy with all the running around, but Mr. Cotton seemed to realize that and stuck me up on the railing. AAH!!!! I gouged my-claws? Talons?- into the wood and hung on tight, terrified that I was gonna fall over backwards into that gorgeous blue water and that would be the end of poor little me. No one was paying attention to me-a parrot? Come on_, I_ wouldn't pay me much attention-so I started trying to fly.

Well, it was great for about six seconds as I flew, but I forgot to flap, you know, and the deck rushed up to meet me. I started pumping my itsy-bitsy parrot wings up and down and soared right up and got caught in this ropey-net-thing. "Hey!" I squawked at Will as he walked by me. He jumped a mile, and it was FUNNY. "Hey!" I repeated, and he found where the voice was coming from and relaxed. "Help me!" I said impatiently.

He looked like he thought he was dreaming. "Hey! Help!" I screeched, and he jumped a little bit again and climbed onto the net thing.

"MISTER Turner!" Jack said from below us.

"Jack!" Will sounded a bit embarassed.

"Whassgoin on here?" the captain asked.

"Jack!" I echoed after Will. "Jack!"

Jack made this surprised face. "I didn't know he could do that," was all he said, leaving Will to the task of untangling me. He did, and I got on his arm while he got down. I launched myself off his shoulder and managed to fly a bit without getting stuck.

This was gonna be great.

* * *

NOT SO GREAT, NOT SO GREAT!

I didn't know parrots COULD get sea-sick. Well, I was sitting up there trying to figure out how to get down and WHAM! That storm from the movie came out of nowhere. Being a parrot was GOOD, but it was also very BAD. I was back on Mr. Cotton's shoulder; good ol' guy came up and got me, but he kept getting washed all over the place. I was a wet, cold, and rather bruised parrot.

I was pretty sure this was gonna hurt in the morning.

Anyway, I forsook Cotton for a more steady individual; Jack. On the wheel like he was, he wasn't getting smashed by waves and such, and was pretty much upright. I stayed on his arm, kinda under the shelter of his hat and peered at the broken compass he was consulting.

Pirates were shouting, but I couldn't hear them over the wind and rain and waves and Jack, who was alternately talking to himself and shouting back at them.

Just what kind of movie-madness had I gotten myself into?


	4. And the Sea Turtles Story Isn't Told

**Note: You guys know the drill.

* * *

**"TYLENOL!" I shrieked at the pirates. "IBUPROFEN!"

They were giving me wierd looks. It was kind of foggy, and early morning-ish. The storm had blown over, the clouds parted and it was like, Look! A huge, forboding island thingy! The fog closed with an almost audible snap, I swear, it was that fast.

So now all the pirates were muttering about bad omens and 'unnatural fog.' And I was thinking they were right. I mean, you couldn't see your own hand-sorry, WING- in this stuff. It was like, like Jello, and smelled funky. Like my mom's unidentifiable dinner attempts.

But hey, Will was scared of me, and I was bored. And cranky. And wishing the bleep bleep expletive pirates had heard of pain medicine. But hey! There was Will to make fun of! Who needs pain medicine when you can scare HIM?

"WILL!" I screeched. "WILL TURNER! UP AND AT 'EM, BUDDY!"

My mom's favorite phrase. I'd taught my little parrot self how to speak it. In memory of her.

Okay, I did it for Will torture.

He came flying up out of that little trapdoor thing in the deck, looking kinda 'I just woke up what the heck'-ish. I felt kinda bad then. He was just like me on most normal mornings. Will started looking around and of course saw me. I looked away, pretending not to see him.

Next thing I knew, he had grabbed me and held me about two inches from his face.

"Stop. It." He gave me a good shake.

"OW!" I screamed. "OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" Will looked freaked again.

"I'm sorry!" he said frantically. "Stop, I'm sorry!"

I did feel bad then. I mean, poor guy, he's just here to SAVE someone and I have to get all in his face and 'I'm going to make your life a living H-E double hockeysticks because Amber, Her Highness from school likes your character...'

"Sorry," I repeated. "Sorry, Will, sorry."

My sister's favorite phrase. Never actually meant. But hey.

Will sighed and put me down. "Me too," he replied.

"Sorry, Will."

"I know, I know," he said more impatiently. "Just let me sleep, alright? I'm already on a boat of madmen-"

"PIRATES!" I squawked cheerfully, loud enough to make him jump again.

"Pirates," he amended. He shook his head. "And now I'm talking to a bird."

"PARROT!" Will sighed again.

"Sorry," I said finally after more silence.

"What were you yelling about anyway?"

"OW!" I screamed again. I figured I could kinda say this one. "P-aaa-yyyy-nnn."

"That was madness, last night," Will agreed. "But where were you?"

"J...aaaaa..."

"Jack."

I bobbed my little parrot head.

"William!" Jack weaved across the deck. "Where ya been?"

"Talking to the bird," Will replied.

Jack made a 'you're a psycho' face. He came over by me and leaned against the rail.

"JACK!" I shrieked joyfully. Jack didn't respond until I got hold of one of the things on his belt and tugged.

"Aaah!" he yelped, jumping away from me. "Parrot!"

Will covered his face with one hand. His shoulders started shaking with silent laughter.

"It won't be so funny if I refuse to save your...your..."

"LIZ!" I said helpfully.

"Liz, now, will it?" Jack realized who had been speaking and jumped again.

If I could have laughed, I would have. But I don't think parrots have the capacity.

"Come on," Jack said abruptly. "We gots to go in after old whats-her-name, ay?"

"LIZ," I said, again helpful. But hey! Where was that story Gibbs told Will? The bit with the sea turtles?

Gibbs was on the deck telling it to Cotton, who was listening. Not like he had a choice.

I was changing up the whole thing. I'd already changed it a couple of times to suit me. What if I was just supposed to let it be, get out of here when this movie was over?

Oh god.

There were THREE Pirates movies! Would I be stuck here for all of them?

What if my changing things up had shifted the balance of..well, EVERYTHING?

I thought being a NORMAL kid was tough!


	5. Will is a Traitor

**Note: You guys know the drill.

* * *

**I'd left poor old Mr. Cotton alone a lot, so I figured I would stick with him. Will and Jack went off in their dinky little rowboat and we tried to keep the ship in one place. We weren't dropping the anchor here. It was too creepy. All the pirates were nervous.

Okay, I was nervous too. There was that _fog, _for one, which meant we couldn't see squat. Every creak was the ghost pirates coming beside us. Every slap of waves on our hull was the _Black Pearl_'s cannons firing. We started hearing a commotion inside, and I couldn't help it. I leapt off Mr. Cotton's shoulder.

_Up, down, up, down, don'tlookdowndon'tdon'tdon'tAAAHHH!!!!_ I looked down and freaked. I started spiraling out of control. I spiraled right in front of the little rowboat coming back out. _CAN'T...SWIM!!!!!!!_ I was thrashing like crazy when someone grabbed me out of the water.

"What is that?" a pretty female British voice asked. The voice didn't seem pleased with my existence.

"It's a parrot," Will replied defensively. "It belongs to one of the men on the ship."

"A...parrot?"

Will started trying to dry me off a little bit. It was pretty useless, since he was kinda wet himself. I opened my eyes and got an eyeful of salty water, blinked it away, and looked around. There was Will, and the owner of the disgusted British voice was with him.

Duh, of course it was Elizabeth!! But...that meant Jack was gone!!!!! I'ld been practicing this ONE word while Will and Jack had been gone. It fit beautifully.

"JACK!" I squawked. "WILL TRAITOR, JACK!"

Will paled a bit, flinched, and looked guiltily over his shoulder back at the caves. Elizabeth narrowed her eyyes at him. "Jack?" she asked. "Jack Sparrow?" There was a sort of look in her eye that reminded me of my mother when I told her I was late because I was at Ty's house playing on his Wii.

Will nodded and glared at the poor little bedraggled parrot in his lap. I did not want to be anywhere near that TRAITOR. I hopped off his lap and onto the bow and tried my wings. They were too wet for me to fly.

"What if it falls off?" Elizabeth asked Will. "Grab it!" Will obeyed her command...the traitor. I turned my head and gave him the evil eye, raising my wings to make myself look bigger and more threatening. I saw some animal do it on Animal Planet once."TRAITOR!" I screamed. Will wisely backed off.

We were accepted onto the boat without much ceremony. Mr. Cotton grabbed me and I crawled up onto his shoulder and joined him in the Glare of Hate. We all totally knew at least some of what had gone on in there.

Well, I ACTUALLY knew. But still.

"Where be Jack?" Gibbs asked, peering over Will's shoulder down at the water. Yeah, Jack was gonna come out of nowhere on those sea turtles of his.

"He fell behind," Will muttered, taking Elizabeth's arm and leading her down into the hold. We all looked at each other. The pirates got ready to sail. Nice old Mr. Cotton decided to put me down in the hold too, to dry off I guess.

Will and Elizabeth were sitting together. I got on the table and pinched his arm with my beak.

"There's the bird again," Elizabeth said. "He's quite beautiful."

Was I a he? I dunno.

"He's Mr. Cotton's," Will replied, rubbing his arm where I'd pinched him. "He's a little odd."

"JACK!!!!!" I shrieked.

"Apparently he was quite fond of Jack."

Will shrugged. I bit him again. He jumped up with a stifled curse. Elizabeth covered her mouth with her hand, but she was so clearly laughing. Let's see...Will had the medallion in his hand, Elizabeth's hand was all wrapped up...

Someone shouted on deck and they ran up. Will dropped the medallion on the floor. Considerate creature that I am, I fluttered to the floor, picked it up, and worked my poor damp wings. That thing was HEAVY, for the record. But I was a nice parrot, so I got up onto the deck and up into the rigging, out of everyone's way.

There was the _Black Pearl_ in the distance behind us. All the pirates were scrambling around, while Will and Elizabeth just looked frantically for a miracle. It was time for...the HOPELESSLY PREDICTABLE BATTLE!!!!!

Crap.


	6. Falling Down

**Note: You guys know the drill.

* * *

**Okay. Calm...in through your nose, out through your mouth, just like your mom's TV yoga instructor tells her to. In... 

OHGODWE'RE GONNADIEWE'REALLGONNADIEHOLYFUDGEMONKEYSWE'REGONNADIE!!!!!!!!

The calm thing was SO NOT working for me. It was SOOOOO not working.

Hey, maybe I'd just hang out up here and wait for the whole thing to be over.

Oh, yeah, wait, the ship gets blown up. Ho-dee-hum. And they all get captured by creepy, dirty pirates with an obviously crappy dental plan. Man, what do they _pay_ these guys?

Treasure. Right.

Will looks around. Oh, the medallion.

"WILL!!!!" I shrieked at the top of my itty-bitty lungs. Will, bless his heart, had good ears. He looked around. I opened my beak to scream at him again.

Well, there wasn't any need, cause I was holding that medallion in my mouth, that's why. By some miracle the medallion had stayed on my beak the first time, but I wasn't so lucky the next time. The medallion fell.

THEPIRATESAREGONNAGETITORTHATFRICKINMONKEYCATCHITCATCHITCATCHIT!!!!

I folded my wings in and plummeted after the falling medallion. Just like Batman does with the poor helpless victim that is ALWAYS a girl that just happens to get pushed off a building. The chain thwacked me in the face, but I grabbed hold of the medallion bit with my-toes? Talons?- and opened my wings.

You know how it is in those cartoons where someone's falling and they open an umbrella and they go flying back up?

I went up so fast I thought my wings were going to be ripped out of their sockets. The screaming pain faded enough for me to clumsily land on the nearest bit of rigging. Will had, by now, seen the Sky-Diving Parrot and Wonder and the medallion, so he scrambled up after me.

UNFORTUNATELY, the stupid undead pirates chose then to shoot at our mast and the heck with the poor little parrot and blacksmith!

There was a cracking sound from below me and Will. Will stood frozen, one hand still reaching out for the medallion. I helpfully dropped it in his hand-his fingers closed around it, and he blinked.

It was as if that one little motion sent the whole world crashing down.

The mast started leaning to the side. I thought of some very colorful curses. Will looked around frantically, still trying to find the way down. The mast groaned, there were more cracking noises, and it went down towards the water.

_I'm gonna die_, was my first thought.

_I'm a parrot_ was my second.

I was trying to recall why this was relevant when a twinge of pain echoed through two very useful appendages.

_Oh, yeah!_

I opened my wings and started flapping. The mast crashed into the water.

Well, that was all fine and dandy for me.

But Will?


	7. Kicked Over

**Note: You guys know the drill.**

**

* * *

**

Elizabeth and the pirates were freaking out, and they were pushing the broken end of the mast off the ship.

Real nice guys.

"WILL!" I screeched, scanning the water. It was very pretty and blue and clearish. Will was still hanging onto the rigging. To be honest, he was more tangled up in it. He was unconscious-I could tell because normal people don't lie in a tangled mess of rope with their faces in the water not moving- but hey, he was alive, right?

Right?

I landed on the mast and scooted towards Will. I got there and started pecking at his head.

I know, I know. But I couldn't exactly tap him with a wing and go, 'Hey, Will! Could you wake up, cause otherwise you're gonna probably drown?'

Cause I can't talk so well, that's why.

Will started moving, and he lifted his head out of the water and took this huge breath of air before puking up a bunch of water and-Hey, there's that biscuit he ate for breakfast! I knew he wasn't gonna be able to keep it down!

I turned towards the ship. The undead _Black Pearl _pirates were already rounding up our little crew.

Where was the medallion?

Will seemed to be following the same train of thought as me and looked down at his clenched fist. He opened his fingers slowly.

An ugly little gold skull leered back at him and me.

Will looked at me, then squirmed out of the rigging. He started swimming towards the _Pearl, _staying very low in the water but never quite putting his head under.

I decided I'd had enough of saving lives and the world as Pirates of the Caribbean knows it, so I was sitting on Will's head. Not flying, not dive-bombing after falling jewelry, not getting slammed around in a storm.

I was taking a well-deserved break on the head of Will Turner.

Oh, if Amber 'I-love-Orlando-like,-sooooooo-much' Molvey could see me now.

* * *

Will swam sneakily-if such a thing is possible- to the side of the _Pearl_. He grabbed hold of one of the convenient ropes dangling down above us and started climbing it. 

Wow, this guy WORKED OUT!!! I couldn't climb two inches on the rope at school, and here he was, dripping wet, with a medallion in his hand and a parrot on his head, climbing like a pro up a slick, old rope.

Will grabbed hold of one of the holes the cannons shoot out of and hauled his soaking wet self through it.

I was on a pirate ship, the freaking BLACK PEARL to be exact, and all I could think of was that the ship was REALLY, REALLY, dirty. I mean, REALLY, REALLY!

We could hear Barbossa giving his 'Thee I have captured' speech up above us. Will looked WAY up at me- I mean, his eyes were practically rolled back into his head-and held his finger to his lips in the kindergarten 'shut your fricking mouth and keep it shut' motion.

I kinda rolled my eyes and tugged on his hair. Will smiled a little and continued his creeping. He crept all the way down into, like, the storage room. There were a couple of barrels in here, but they smelled funny, and whatever had been in them was pretty nasty by now. Will went in and locked the door-yeah, there was a lock- and sat down on one of the barrels.

He looked pretty hopeless.

But hey! Jack was around here somewhere, right?

I heard a couple of splashing noises.

I guess they kicked Jack and Liz over the side anyway.

* * *

**Criminally short, I know. But I gave you guys two chapters! We'll probably see more of Jack and Elizabeth at a later date. Well, we actually certainly will. I'm not makin' any promises yet, though. **


	8. Regaining Normalcy?

**Note: You guys know the drill.**

**

* * *

**

Will peered through the warped boards, trying to see what had happened.Eventually he sighed and sat back down, pulling the burlap over his head. There were footsteps directly above us, then familiar voices. Will jumped up onto the barrel.

"Gibbs?" he hissed, tapping on the boards.

Someone let loose a string of curses. I filed them away for the next time my mom rolled my hand up in the car window.

"William?" a voice hissed. "Mother's love, is that YOU, boy?"

"Gibbs, what happened? Is Elizabeth with you? Is she alright?" Will asked anxiously.

There was a pause.

"That traitor Barbossa put her and Jack overboard," Gibbs finally replied. "Sorry, boy."

"Jack?" Will yelped. Quietly, of course. "He's alive?"

"Well-"

"Hey!" There was a rattling noise overhead. "'Oo you talkin' to?"

"Um..nothing?" Gibbs offered.

"Hey, check below!"

"Why dontchoo go?" a new voice whined.

"JUST GO!"

Will ducked down, hopping off the barrel. I squawked as I was jarred off his head.

"Oi, wassat?"

Will shot me a death glare and ran out of the storage room. I clutched his shoulder as he barreled out, up the stairs, past poor old wooden eyed Ragetti. He ran past the pirates locked in the itsy bitsy prison cell, up the next set of stairs, out onto the deck. All the undead pirates were shouting. I risked a look over my-and Will's- shoulder. The ENTIRE crew was chasing after us.

Will ran up the next little thing of stairs up to the teeny deck where the wheel was. He went past the wheel and jumped for the nearest rope.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" I screamed. Will caught the rope, barely. He hung there, sort of stunned that he actually made it.

Time for a new phrase in my ever-growing vocabulary.

"GO!" I shrieked. "MOVE YOUR LAZY ARSE! MOVEMOVEMOVEMOVEMOVE!"

That's right. I'd taught myself to say a "BAD" phrase. My mom would have taken away my computer for weeks if I'd said that at home. Was it overly strict? I thought so. I don't really know.

Will hauled himself up, into the rigging.

WHERE THE HECK WAS HE GOING?! I thought frantically. All the pirates were swarming up into the rigging, we'd be caught in seconds and they'd do that whole 'Ooh, look, a TURNER!' thing and I'd end up as nasty undead pirate dinner.

Well. As soon as they were able to eat again.

Well, they didn't KNOW he was a Turner because he hadn't done that 'put a pistol to my head and negotiate' bit. So they started SHOOTING AT HIM!!!!!

OMIGOD!!!

Most of them were missing and I thought 'hey, it's okay, they're lousy shots!'

There was this REALLY ugly sound, like, I don't know. It sounded to me like someone had chucked a rock at a soft and squishy thing. Like a pile of Jello or something.

Will gasped, going absolutely white.

I guess they weren't lousy shots after all.

"WILL!" I screamed. He let go of the rope and fell about ten feet onto the deck. I was smart enough to get off his shoulder.

Now, if I'd been me-that is to say, a girl- I'd probably melt into a quivering pile of goo. There was blood EVERYWHERE, but I could already kind of tell they hadn't shot anything important. Probably his shoulder.

It was really scary, him just lying there on his back trying to catch his breath and all bug-eyed from pain. I landed on his chest just as Captain Feather-hat aka Barbossa pushed the crowd of pirates aside. He had this very pretty pistol in his hand that he had aimed at Will's head.

"Who are you?" he asked. He didn't sound psycho. He sounded kind of mad, but not mad enough to shoot.

Yet.

Will's mouth moved a couple of times, but he hadn't got his breath back yet.

"WILL TURNER!" I squawked.

I was sure Will was going to lay awake at night thanking his lucky stars he had a nice parrot sitting on his poor bleeding self right when he needed it.

Maybe he wouldn't recall how that same parrot made fun of him. And messed with his neat little future. Oh, and made noise and drew attention from the pirate coming down to investigate us.

Ha. That was a BIG maybe.

Anyway, the entire pirate crew sucked in their breath and started muttering. Barbossa crouched and sort of patted Will's pockets. I bit his hand as hard as I could. There was blood, but he kept rooting around in there like he owned Will's pockets.

THEY WERE WILL'S! HELLO?!

I fluttered my wings in his face and he sputtered and pulled back. If parrots could smirk, I would have.

Barbossa was holding the medallion in his hands. Dang, he desperately needed to trim those nails. Long is so like, not 'IN!'

Channeling my Amber Molvey there.

Pushing Amber Molvey-esque thoughts aside, I gave Barbossa my best glare.

"Put him and that bird with the others," Barbossa ordered, glaring right back at me.

* * *

They locked Will and me in with the other pirates. The pirates were kind of helpless when it came to Will. Gibbs shoved his fingers into the wound.

Oh, yeah. How sanitary.

Something inside me started screaming and running away as Gibbs rooted around in there. There were some wierd squelching noises, and then he pulled out a couple of teeny round things.

Look, bullets.

They tied a piece of semi-clean cloth around Will's shoulder. Will had passed out or something, and they left him alone. I went and sat on Mr. Cotton's shoulder and replied in what I guessed was typical Cotton's Parrot speech, not the real stuff I'd been learning. It was kind of nice, not running-sorry, flying- everywhere and trying to figure out how to keep things the way they should be and helping people and trying to figure out what the heck was going on.

So, yeah, we were in pirate prison with a bunch of undead people everywhere.

At least I felt like I'd gained some kind of parroty normalcy. Like, you know, I was finally on the right track. Maybe I should stop trying to change things up. I mean, look what had happened? Had I really changed anything for the better? Not really. Maybe I should just ride the rest of it out, be as normal as I could be until it was all over.

I guess the world would stop spinning if I wasn't suffering from chronic indecision and a certain amount of guilt all the time.


	9. Off to find the Pirates

**Note: You guys know the drill.**

So anyway, we were hanging out in there, but I was getting kinda bored. You could only stare at so much rotting ship and dirty pirate before wanting a change of scenery. I sort of scrunched up my wings and tucked my head in and wriggled out through the bars.

THUNK!I hit the slimy planks. _Brilliant, just brilliant_! I started to do my little parrot waddling thing (I guess we parrots don't walk so well) and then I was like, DUH!!

I'm a PARROT!! I can TOTALLY fly out of here!

So off I went like a shot from a cannon (heh-heh), zooming up the stairs and out the little hatch-thing and up into the free air.

It was early morning ALREADY!!

I started reviewing the script in my mind.

Will sets off to save Elizabeth-check.

Jack and Will go to evil cave, Jack gets left behind-been there, done that.

Will comes back, having gained an Elizabeth and lost a pirate captain- also check.

Sea battle I was SOOOO not ready for- bought the t-shirt.

The rest of it was deviation (caused by yours truly), but I realized about now, if I were home just WATCHING the Pirate movies (god, I wish!), we would be at the point where Jack was all sniffing the air and complaining about rum being gone.

So I went up pretty high and sort of scanned the horizon.

Water, water-oh look, more water! Water, water, huge tower of smoke-

HAH!

I set off for the pillar of smoke. There was a ship there already when I showed up. I guess I fly really slow or the ship moved really fast.

Then again, they actually CARED about, and had been LOOKING FOR, Elizabeth.

My search party had been a last second thing.

Well, I started going lower, and...

Okay. Let's just say I ended up on a certain future Admiral's head.

The guy hit the deck-_hard_- and made this grunting noise.

"Parrot!" a familiar voice cried.

The offended Commodore Norrington got up. I remained perched on his hat, which was now on the deck. His lovely white curly wig was tilted, and I could see most of his brown hair.

I liked it better that way. Gave him that, how do you say-Dead Man's Chest sort of look.

"Don't shoot it!" an even more familiar-and rather less liked- voice protested as he AIMED his GUN at me!

For landing on his ugly hat!

I mean, REALLY! I thought I had done society a FAVOR!!

"That parrot was with Jack's crew! The crew was with Will when he was...well, I assume...taken!" Elizabeth cried. "He can't be far!"

Says her. The one who didn't have to FLY, even though she was achy and BITTER and in DESPERATE NEED OF PAINKILLERS!!

Norrington looked at me skeptically. I looked back at him. I really wish I could summon up the courage to do that annoying thing birds do...you know. Poop on everything in sight?

But of course, I was no brainless bird. But hey...since I was here, on a CIVILIZED ship...

"Ibuprofen?" I asked hopefully.

"Well, Mr. Sparrow, it would appear we no longer require your services," Norrington said to Jack.

"JACK!!" I squawked.

"Er..no, he-she-it-it doesn't know WHERE they're going," Jack tried.

Norrington looked even less convinced.

I flew up onto Jack's shoulder and gave Norrington the "If Jack goes, I go, you white-wigged son of a insert curse word of your choice. I guess it worked.

Because Norrington let Jack stay out and peer at his compass.

But he didn't let Jack give the crew orders.


	10. Back to Evil Pirate Island

**Note: You guys know the drill.**

So, anyway, I had just saved Jack from being locked up.

And, you know, not fulfilling his duty (as predestined by the _Pirates_ writers).

But did anyone thank me?

Not a chance.

Norrington's wig was basically ruined, because my crash landing on it had made it rather frizzy.

It reminded me of what my hair looked like in the morning.

Back when I HAD hair to look at in the morning.

Norrington had given up on the wig and settled for his OWN hair, pulled back into a little man-tail and tied up with a blue ribbon.

He looked A LOT like Will.

If Will wore a wierd uniform all the time and looked (AND WALKED, AND TALKED!) like he had a stick up his butt all the time.

Anyway, it was almost noon, and there was no sign of the Island of Evil.

"I thought she said it wasn't far," Norrington muttered.

"PIRATES!" I shrieked. Norrington jumped and drew his sword.

I swear, he screamed, "ALL HANDS TO BATTLE STATIONS!!"

HONESTLY!

A couple of younger guys were snickering.

"False alarm," Norrington croaked. He was a rather interesting color, really really red with spots of white. He turned very slowly to where Jack and I (I was really only on the railing NEAR Jack, but whatever) were steering the ship.

"The bird goes," he growled at Jack. He was leaning in really close to Jack, getting all in his face, like a big macho Commodore.

"NORRY!!" I screamed as loud as I possibly could.

The two snickering young guys went really red and turned away.

Norrington got all flustered. He jumped back, ran into a poor, innocent sailor, and both of them went down.

"Well done," Jack said admiringly. " I liked that."

Norrington was shouting, at me, at the sailor, at pirates, and even the sky. I took off Jack's shoulder and flew.

Out of reach of any guns.

I got to the Island of Doom (okay, the Isla De Muerta, but where's the fun in saying that?) first. I flew lower, over the _Black Pearl_, reached an open cannon hole, and sort of manipulated my way in.

There were voices, low and urgent.

Hey! It was my pirates, EXACTLY where I had left them!!

I hopped over, squeezed through the moldy grating, and announced myself with a scream.

It was a QUIET scream!!

Everyone jumped and looked at me.

"Where've you been?" Gibbs asked.

Oh, yeah. Cause the parrot can USUALLY tell you where it's been!!

I'd been practicing, though. Not out loud, but I'd been practicing. I was sure I could say it.

"Jack," I squawked. "Liz! Caw..mah..dohr...NAVY!" I finished, frustrated.

Will figured it out, though. He looked way better than he had, though.

As in, awake, and not dead-looking.

"Elizabeth?" he said anxiously. "She's alright?"

Okay, so he only figured PART of it out. But whatever.

"They brought the Navy," he said thoughtfully. Some of the happiness went out of his face. "And Norrington."

I wanted to tell him Elizabeth wouldn't end up with 'I have a stick up my butt' Norrington. That Norrington would, in fact, in a confusing turn of events not entirely known by me, lose his title as Commodore and his honor, to boot. That, in another confusing turn of events, he would end up working for and betraying Jack, regaining his title, but not his honor. That, in the end, Norrington would die. I wanted to say Will GOT his FREAKING girl but, due to Jack, Davy Jones, Calypso, and the combined forces of the Disney writers, they would be forced to remain apart.

But, you know.

The 'I'm a girl who can't work a parrot's mouth' thing.

Plus, that would be giving a bunch of stuff away! FUTURE STUFF! STUFF WITH A MAJOR IMPACT ON THE PIRATES WORLD!!


	11. Pirates are Jerks aka Into the Cave!

**Note: You guys know the drill.**

While I was thinking this, Pintel and Ragetti (the fattish guy and the guy he hangs out with, the false-eye guy) showed up with some chains, and another LARGISH pirate whose name I didn't know.

This new, LARGISH guy was big and threatening (more so with a couple of guns aimed at our heads.)

Pintel and Ragetti were trying to chain Will up while the pirate held us at gunpoint. Pintel, poor idiot, didn't count on a girl in a parrot body being there. I was smart enough to snatch his keys (which weren't very well secured, to be honest) while he and Ragetti were trying to get chains on a William Turner who wasn't thrilled about getting chained up.

Oh, and probably killed in a cave of evil undead pirates to free them from a dark curse.

To be honest, if it had been me, I wouldn't be too happy about it either.

* * *

The good pirates were all sitting there in a sort of general gloom. No creepy undead guys were guarding us, but anything they could have picked the locks with had been taken away.

Enter Elizabeth, queen of snobs.

No, I guess that's not fair.

Enter Elizabeth.

There. I can be reasonable.

So, anyway, Elizabeth came skidding around the corner, all out of breath.

"Miss Elizabeth!" Gibbs hissed.

"Do you have the keys?" she whispered.

Suddenly they weren't nearly as pleased to see her.

"Oomph," I said around the ring of keys in my beak.

Everyone turned to look at me.

Everyone saw the keys.

"Keys!" someone (I think it was Marty) said (unnecessarily, of course).

It didn't take long to get out. They were all standing on the deck when two undead guys came flying up the hatch, screaming. I took off into the air, got behind them, and started shrieking. The pirates shouted something about a ghost and threw themselves over the side.

_Thunk-thunk! Splish splish splish splish!_

My pirates cheered as if they had actually driven the pirates over the side, where they hit a cannon and fell to general pieces, instead of a bird.

Whatever.

"I need your help!" Elizabeth cried. "I have to save Will!"

SILENCE.

Not just 'ooh, cough cough shuffle shuffle sheepish look' silence.

Like, the silence of a GRAVEYARD. They were all just standing there, giving her these calm 'No way in HECK!' looks.

"I'll help you get the boat over the side," Gibbs offered. He didn't sound like he wanted to. Or really like he didn't want to. He was doing it for the heck of it.

SERIOUSLY!?

Okay, I have now revised my opinion of them.

My pirates are jerks.

I went over and landed on Elizabeth's shoulder. She seemed a bit startled, but after giving me a wary look she left me alone.

I think she was too busy muttering obscene things about pirates to really notice me.

So, we were in our weeny little boat, and heading into the Cave of Darkness and Death, when someone screamed. "BLOODY PIRATES!!"

!!

Faster, Elizabeth! FASTER!!

She started moving faster, but, to be fair, she was a girl.

And we girls are not known for our rowing abilities.

I crashed a canoe several times when I was in camp. It was like, AAAAHH!! No, no, NOO!! But I couldn't row (or steer) to save my life.

So, I ditched Elizabeth (sorry, Lizzie) and flew into the cave of evil on my own.

* * *


	12. My Head Is Killing Me!

**Note: You guys know the drill. If you see anything wierd or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! Plus I would love to know where you guys want me to take it after the first movie, if I decide Helen-parrot stays. **

Jack was standing near Barbossa. There were about..four creepy undead guys (not counting the King of Creepy Undead Guys, Barbossa himself).

Barbossa, ever the apple-fetishist, was tossing a big green sucker around. Probably waiting for his pirates to come back and go, Ooh! Let's kill Will now, so you can have a FREAKING APPLE!!

I guess they'd already said all the confusing stuff. Because Jack and Will started hauling arse.

EEEEK!! So glad my mom isn't here. She'd kill me for saying that!!

"AAAAHHH!!" I screamed, divebombing the undead pirates. I raked one guy's head (and stole his loseriffic hat) before soaring up and landing as quietly as possible on a pile of treasure.

Jack and Will got swords (well, Jack just drew his, to be honest) and were fully prepared when Barbossa and Co. came after them.

Hmm. Jack is against the king of evil pirates...but there are a lot more pirates up against Will!!

Decisions, decisions.

I hummed a bit while filling my...

I still don't know what to call those things. My feet? My claws?

..My claws with ammo.

You heard me, AMMO.

Shiny rocks!

Gemstones, to be more precise.

I flew up, screaming again, and dropped the gems on the heads of the pirates Will was fighting.

They were some greedy little suckers, I'll tell you.

Because they stopped going after Will ENTIRELY to grab the precious rocks.

Sheesh.

* * *

I landed on the head of bomb guy-you know, the guy with the wierd hat who threw that bomb at Will that was kind of a..dud in the first real battle of the movie?-,shrieking like a maniac, and started flapping my wings.

He freaked out, shaking his head around and swatting at me and making VERY unmanly noises. His funky little hat started slipping on his greasy little head, and I was still screaming (mostly cause I was scared I was gonna get hurt) and hanging on as tightly as humanly-PARROTLY-possible.

Will took bomb guy's head off. _Gee, thanks_, I thought, because I had been hanging onto his hat and hat and head went flying.

WHEEEEEEEEE-_thunk-clink-squawk SKIDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!_

AND SHE'S...SAAAFFEE!!

And the crowd goes wild!!

I was just laying there, with this stupid necklace around my head and obscuring most of my ever-so-lovely-view of a head.

Which was STILL ALL BUT SPITTING AT ME!!

OhmigodohmigodohmigodOHMY...

The head started rolling towards me, and I just stared at that horribly, hygienically neglected pirate head coming towards me.

Elizabeth came out of nowhere with that wierd stick and whacked the OTHER guy Will was fighting, and Will kicked that head so far that I couldn't help but think that it maybe even put DAVID BECKHAM to shame.

Elizabeth's nifty punchline was forgotten though, darnit!

Anyway, headless-bomb-guy and his homeboys all got blown to kingdom come, just like in the movie.

Lah-di-dah.


	13. Paid in Plunder

**Note: You guys know the drill. If you see anything wierd or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! Plus I would love to know where you guys want me to take it after the first movie, if I decide Helen-parrot stays.**

* * *

"Whose side is Jack ON?!" Elizabeth asked Will in her oh-so-special, exclusively-used-on WILL voice.

"At the moment?" Will panted.

"OW," I said from the ground. My head was spinning like one of those crazy fair rides you always get on because 'It looks sooo fun!' even though you just ate a corn dog and cotton candy and end up losing those on the ride.

Oh, god. I would settle for just a freaking ASPIRIN right now!! Not even the special kind-just aspirin.

HOW DID THESE PEOPLE LIVE WITHOUT THE EVERYTHING PAIN RELIEVER?? WHAT DID JACK TAKE WHEN HE HAD A HANGOVER?! WHAT DID WILL DO WHEN HE SMASHED HIS HAND WITH A HAMMER!?

Sob.

It occured to me, in some hazy part of my brain that wasn't being much fun, that I was hysterical or disoriented.

Or, HEY! Maybe even BOTH!!

It also occured to me that I was gonna get stepped on if I didn't move.

My freaking KARMA caught up with me right about the.

Freaking BARBOSSA STEPPED ON MY BLEEPING TAIL!!

"OOOWWWWWWWWW!!" I howled.

Barbossa jumped, staggered, and crashed into a pile of treasure. Jack stabbed him. Barbossa sneered at Jack.

If he hadn't been so old and ugly, I would have said he looked JUST like Amber Molvey.

"You can't kill me, Jack," he almost LAUGHED.

Jack pulled out his one-shot gun and shot him in the FACE.

It was pretty ugly, even before Will dropped a certain bloodied, evil coin in the big PILE of evil coins.

I'm not gonna go into detail or anything.

But I thought I was gonna hurl.

If I had eaten anything in the last decade, that is.

There wasn't any slow-motion or WAY too loud last-breathing. There was a small mist of blood and a wierd squelching-crunching sound. And that was that.

Jack looked really serious, for, like, the first time EVER.

"Wrong," he said softly.

* * *

Jack walked up to the chest of evil gold, rolling his own coin over his knuckles.

I envied him that skill.

"It's not a bad look," I heard him say to Will.

"Jack." Will looked at him in the way my dad does the FIRST time I ask him if I can stay up past ten.

Jack rolled his eyes and tossed in his coin.

The lid slid shut on its own with a bang.

Like I said. EVIL.

* * *

I regained enough equilibrium to fly onto Will's shoulder. He was staring at Elizabeth with the most insecure look on his face EVER.

"What do you think?" he asked, half to me and half to himself.

I sort of ignored him. As a sounding board, I sucked. I couldn't even look interested, or say something vaguely to do with the subject.

So I didn't bother being interested.

"I love her. But-" His mouth twisted, and I swear he was Norrington for about ten seconds.

"What if she doesn't love me?"

I closed my beak on his ear.

Okay, okay. I bit him. But gently.

"Will," I squawked. (I was getting a TEENY bit better at volume control.) "Liz."

Why couldn't he hear the wierd way their names FIT?? It was DESTINY, forged by guys at DISNEY!!

Whoo-hoo!!

Will nodded. "It's funny," he said suddenly. "Sometimes-"

I never really heard what he was 'sometimes-ing' about, because he started moving towards Elizabeth, and I booked it.

If this was my final piratey hour, I did NOT want to spend it listening to Will awkwardly try to hook up with Elizabeth.

Jack seemed to LOOVVE the idea of dressing me up, as well as himself. I was at least as ornamented with jewelry as Amber Molvey.

Only my gold and gems were REAL, not that totally fake plastic stuff.

Elizabeth and Will both came over to Jack.

"Jack," Elizabeth began.

"Are you taking me to my ship?" Jack asked without looking up.

"Your ship-it's sailed away," Elizabeth said lamely.

CRAAAPPPP!!

"We couldn't possibly row out to it in our boat," she added.

DOUUBBLEE CRAAPPP!!

"Will?" I squawked hopefully.

"Elizabeth said Norrington swore to do unpleasant things to you," Will informed me. "You'd be better off finding Jack's ship."

AHA!! Will was really getting the sneakiness bit down. He was sending me off to bring Jack's peeps to Port Royal for the rescue!!

MAYBE. Maybe I was just imagining the subtlety. As I thought about Will, and how UNSUBTLE he was, my little birdy heart plummeted into my little birdy stomach.

Oh well. I was gonna go get the cavalry anyway.

Someone had better give me a flipping medal for this.

Jack loaded me with more in the way of riches, and then I took off.

_UUPPP...dooowwwwnnn...erk!!_ I nearly crashed, I was so heavy. I considered suddenly how much BETTER fake plastic stuff is. It isn't HEAVY.

Jack must be able to keep some stuff from the Horrible Island of Death and Doom (I was sure Norrington was going to take all the cool gems and stuff he had on him to buy more ugly wigs and horrible hats), so I managed.

SOMEHOW.

I searched for the _Black Pearl_ until the sun came up. I was practically wave skimming, like a midget winged dolphin, or a baby hydroplane.

_THUNK_! I hit the smooth, black hull of the _Pearl_.I flapped my wings like crazy and started screaming, sure I was about to fall in the water.

Which, of course, I did.

* * *

Just in case you didn't know, drowning pretty much stinks. I fell in the deep end of the pool once (I swear Holly pushed me!) awhile before I figured out the art of swimming. My dad came in and got me out, but I couldn't go anywhere NEAR a pool without floaties for...well, let's say I dreaded the waterpark field trips 6th graders in my elementary school always seemed to be taking.

I shut my mouth pretty quick, y'know, but there wasn't much air left in there, if you get my meaning. My wings were already REALLY tired, and thrashing around in really deep water when you're loaded with gold doesn't help.

Plus, it was dark. I mean, I was heading STRAIGHT DOWN, like a rock, and the warmish, pretty blue water was rapidly becoming cold and black.

I vaguely wondered if I was dreaming the whole thing, and I would wake up in my house. Or maybe in the detention room. I REALLY hoped so.

All of a sudden the freezing dark became warmer and bluer and then I was in the air!!

SWEET!!

I had a bunch of water in my mouth, which I promptly lost (along with bits of biscuit I ate when we were still searching for Elizabeth and the evil pirates), and then I took as deep a breath as possible.

A bunch of people were making a ton of noise, and I was dumped on the ground.

Gee. Thanks.

Thank heavens the pirates' IQ wasn't rock bottom, because they figured that if Jack wasn't with me, and someone had loaded me with jewels and stuff, Jack was a) not dead and b) with the Navy.

They took off all the jewelry but this teeny bracelet that had to have been a little kid's. It was a little gold thing, with a gold pendant bit decorated with the skull and crossbones in little rubies.

YAY! I'VE BEEN PAID IN PLUNDER!!

"Full speed for Port Royal!" Gibbs ordered.


	14. Messed Up Rescue

**Note: You guys know the drill. If you see anything wierd or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! Plus I would love to know where you guys want me to take it after the first movie, if I decide Helen-parrot stays.**

* * *

Considering I was at least as battered as a football player, exhausted, and hungry, I managed to fly up to the fortress at Port Royal.

Of course, Jack's execution was in session, and all these people were watching.

Could there possibly be a more obnoxious way to kill someone? 'Here, it's not bad enough we're going to either break your neck or choke you to death, but we REALLY feel a large crowd should watch, and, hey, maybe have a party during it, just for kicks. What say you, oh condemned person?' It's like, like Hangman, only with real people!!

Great. I just ruined that game for myself.

Will was there, wearing a red cape (mwahaha!) and a really horrible hat. He was looking around all nervously, probably getting ready to just go for it.

I cleared my throat, opened my mouth-

And delivered the loudest squawk EVER. The guy whose flag I was resting on jumped, and his wig slid off sideways. Norrington looked around suspiciously, and Will looked relieved. The crowd was restless, searching for the annoying noise ruining their Hangman fun. Will shoved his way through and started talking to Elizabeth. Then he shoved back through the crowd.

DRUMMMMM ROLLLLL...

"MOVE!" Will shouted, and the final three or four idiots standing in his way scattered. Jack dropped like a sack of rocks, and I winced.

Will's sword cut THROUGH the rope around Jack's neck, and he barely grabbed the edge of the trapdoor to haul himself out.

Will's sword was imbedded in the railing, and Jack yanked it out. Will came flying up the little stairs to do the same thing, and paused. Then he and Jack leapt over the side of the gallows platform.

Why Will felt the need for a retarded little flippy thing, I will never know.

But they started going, and I went for the face of any red-uniformed guy who came near me.

Norrington was shouting, and you think he'd realize the gravity of the situation, but NOOOOO.

He had seen me.

Apparently he held a grudge over some stupid hat and serious humiliation, because he was screaming, "GET THE BIRD!! SHOOT IT!! SHHHOOOOOTTT IITITTT!!"

And of course no one was gonna, they all just stood there, staring at him like he had lost his mind.

Which gave Jack Sparrow the perfect opportunity to hop over the wall and into the water.

Will looked around like he wanted to sink into the ground, and I felt bad. I took off Jack's shoulder-good thing, too, cause he didn't land so well..a bellyflop like that would leave some marks- and back up.

I stayed out of sight of course. I was sympathetic, not suicidal.

"Wh-wh-" The governor, all startled like he totally hadn't seen this coming. I could only roll my eyes at his stupidity.

"Will!" Elizabeth cried, all worked up, as always.

"Take him to the prison," Norrington ordered. Everyone looked at him cautiously, waiting for the other shoe-aka, insanity at the sight of me-to drop. It didn't-he looked fairly calm, actually. "We'll get the gallows set up again and have Mister Turner hung for treason."

My heart, already sinking pretty low, dropped to levels unmeasurable. Will glanced over his shoulder at the wall, the ocean, and the distant _Pearl_, with longing in his eyes.

_C'mon, you idiot_, I urged him mentally_. Jump the wall, stupid! JUMP THE WALL!!_

I guess my mental powers were on standby, though, cause he meekly went with the Redcoats.

Elizabeth stood there, looking all lost, and I felt like crap. Jack and Will were supposed to be surrounded, she stepped in to save Will, Jack got away THEN, Norrington gave the pirate a head start, and Will and Elizabeth made out, somehow professing true love with tongue-wrestling.

But there was no saving, escaping, or even tongue-wrestling. Heck, there would probably never even be a second movie.

You can guess who'll catch the blame for this one.

Uh-huh.

Me. 


	15. PreHangman Scene Remix

**Note: You guys know the drill. If you see anything wierd or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! Plus I would love to know where you guys want me to take it after the first movie, if I decide Helen-parrot stays.**

**YES! See, two chapters in as many days. Please forgive me for the prolonged absence now! I'm dry on ideas for between-movie chapters...anyone got any to lend a poor, dried-up, writers-blocked author? **

* * *

Off we go again. Flap_ ouch_, flap _OWWW!!_ Thank heavens Jack's ship wasn't really going anywhere.

Jack was peering through his telescope up at the fortress-he dropped it in the water for some reason. Whatever, I didn't have time to think about that.

"Jack, WILL!" I squawked breathlessly.

"I know," he snapped, and he didn't look very happy-go-lucky pirate-y anymore. He went into his office-bedroom? workroom? bed/work room?-and came back with a tiny piece of paper, all rolled up, and a string.

Nuh-uh. NO WAY. I WAS NOT PLAYING PASSENGER PIGEON FOR ANYONE!!

Jack grabbed my foot and tied the paper to it. Then he let me go.

I glared at him, but already he was moving to the wheel, and missed my laser vision burning through his spine. Darnit, my mental powers were still on standby!!

Grumbling-inwardly, of course- I took off again.

* * *

Will was sitting in a corner of his cell, all slumped over and dejected. His funny hat and cape were gone, as were his weapons.

Thank heavens. About the hat, I mean.

Not taking any chances with more leverage/door breaking, there wasn't any furniture in the room.

"SSSSSSSSSS," I hissed, squirming through the bars. "SSSSSSSSSSSSS."

Will jumped a little and peered around suspiciously.

UP HERE, EGGHEAD! I wanted to scream, but of course I couldn't.

It would be rude to scream in such a quiet prison.

And Norrington would find and kill me, of course.

"SSSSSSSSSS!" I squiggled the rest of the way through the barred window and fell on his head. Will spasmed and fell on his side, and I screamed with laughter.

Well, not outwardly- but believe me, I was rolling on the floor inside.

Will picked himself up and dusted off. "What?" he whispered.

I sullenly thrust my note-encumbered leg at him. Will blinked and removed the paper and string. He peered at the note- I leaned up and bit his thumb hard enough for him to look at me again. I bobbed my head at the note, and he held it so I could read it too.

Though seriously, Will. Parrots can't READ!

It was squiggly unreadable nonsense anyway, as far as I could tell. I could read the words YOU, and READY, and that was it.

You was probably Will-unless there was someone else Jack had wanted me to give a note to-and ready was probably ready to escape.

Will groaned. "If I can escape, his ship is ready to sail...I can't!! I can't be a pirate, I can't leave-" He pressed his lips together.

"I can't escape anyway," he decided. "And I certainly won't become like him." Will laid down and closed his eyes very tightly, clearly dismissing me.

AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!! Stupid, pig-headed, ugly, arrogant...I was running out of adjectives to describe Will, but none of them were helping me.

* * *

"LIZ!" I cawed-yes, cawed, like a crow- beating my wings at her window. She came to it and opened it.

"What are you doing here?" she hissed. "Haven't you caused enough trouble?"

I couldn't really decide what part I wanted her to play in my plan, but it was just as much her fault we were all in this mess. I mean, if she could have just smoothed out that carpet corner in the beginning of the movie, this whole incident would NEVER have occurred.

There was a piece of paper and a little glass tub full of ink on a desk in the room, and I fluttered over to it. I tugged at the glass ink thing until it fell over, spilling over her desk-but not the piece of paper, thankfully. I walked through the ink, then delicately set one of my little claws on the paper.

_Will's in trouble_, I wrote. It wasn't neat, but she could apparently read it.

"I know that already," she said impatiently.

_Ur father is governor_, I added.

"Yes!"

_ASK HIM TO SET WILL FREE_, I wrote, unbelieving. I mean, no way was she that stupid. She was supposed to be smart.

Oh. Yeah. I guess they saved smart Liz for later movies. Right now she was missy-prissy Liz.

Elizabeth frowned at the piece of paper. Then she got up and walked off.

Well. I guess I had to...wait now?

* * *

Crap, where was Jack? Will was all standing there, looking completely miserable, with that rope around his neck. Elizabeth hadn't come, and the governor looked pained. So much for that, and Jack.

I guess Will was doomed. DOOMED!! DOOOOMMMEEEDD!!

I looked around hopefully. Most of the time in the movies, when one of the girls starts wailing and stuff, the hero swoops in and rescues the object of her affections.

Of course, she always fell in love with the hero after that, and left the poor object of her former affections.

Erm. This wasn't going to go so well.

Like an answer to my prayers (or my wailing) pirates appeared over the walls, swarming over like a bunch of cockroaches trying to escape death by RAID.

Of course all the prissy people started screaming and running around, and the redcoats couldn't get anywhere through the solid wall of screaming, fainting, running prissy people. Jack leapt up onto the platform Will was standing on-and ducked under the hangman's huge fist.

Jack dodged the huge man, while Will did his best to just stay out of the way.

Oh, and not start choking or anything. Cause, y'know.

Hanging would be bad.

"HELP!" Jack shouted, pressed up against the lever with NOWHERE to go.

Will gathered himself and jumped, grabbing the-the thing the rope was hanging from- and hooked his feet around the man's neck. He dragged the guy backwards, and Jack yanked the lever. Mr. Hangman fell down into the sudden hole that Will was supposed to fall down into-and then Jack yanked the lever again, and the trapdoor closed.

"Thanks," Will panted.

Jack grinned and shrugged. "Best be gettin' a move on, mate!" He cut the rope around Will's neck, and they turned to make their escape.

The platform was completely surrounded by redcoats, who had finally gotten around the preps.

Sorry, LORDS and LADIES.

Norrington pushed his way through them, smirking.

"Well well well," he sneered, and I really couldn't see what my friend Alicia saw in him.

"I expected as much," Norrington continued. "Very well. Now both of you will hang."

WHAT!?

Well, this one poor twister of stories was all worked up, seeing so much red that she couldn't even move from her perch on the wall, but she really didn't have to bother anyway.

Elizabeth came flying in. "Commodore!" she shouted. "James!"

Norrington looked over at her. Jack and Will traded glances._Let's go for it,_ their eyes said, but they stayed where they were.

"My father," Elizabeth pressed on, drawing her breathless, red-faced father up next to her, "Has declared that Will Turner should be released."

* * *

**I'll try to update again on Monday. YAY for long weekends! In the meantime, please click the little blue box over there...the one that says submit review? Appreciate it. **

**Oh, and as previously mentioned? I have a flamethrower here...prepared to torch you should you attempt to flame. **

**Have a nice day! (or night...whatever.)**


	16. Hangman Scene Revamped

**Note: You guys know the drill. If you see anything wierd or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! Plus I would love to know where you guys want me to take it after the first movie, if I decide Helen-parrot stays.**

**Yeah, shorter than the usual, but it had to be...**

* * *

No one was moving.

Well.

That was unexpected.

"Did you not hear me?" Elizabeth demanded. "Release him!"

Norrington stared at Will. I swear I could see dark pits filled with flames in his eyes.

Poor Norry. Poor, poor, deluded Norry.

Tee-hee.

Slowly, he took a step back. Jack was making funny noises in his throat, and jerking his head around. Norrington's head whipped towards him, and his eyes narrowed.

"Mi-ster Sparrow," he said, drawing out the Mister. "I do believe Miss Swann did-not mention YOU."

Erm. Gulp.

Jack grinned at him. "Yes she did," he replied. "Read it again, love."

"Jack..."Elizabeth muttered, scanning the paper her father held. Her eyes widened a little bit.

Of course. I rolled my eyes. And I had left things in the hands of this featherhead...why, again?

"Yes I did," she lied, but she was horrible at it. Gee, thanks, Liz.

"May I see that, Miss Swann?"

It was over. Overoverover...

Funny. The mental wailing seemed to have helped before.

Elizabeth nodded and handed him the paper.

Jack ran for the wall.

He glanced back over his shoulder once, and started running faster.

Funny thing, though. Apparently the walls are higher than-um, let's say, your feet.

And Jack was looking right over his shoulder when he hit the wall. He fell forward, right over the edge, screaming like a maniac.

I let go of his shoulder and spread my wings again, skyrocketing upwards, while Jack did his Batman damsel impersonation.

Jack straightened out a bit as he fell-granted, he didn't have much time- and, while his crash was definitely not graceful, he popped up a second later.

All the little Royal Navy sissies were leaning over, talking amongst each other.

"Hmm, Fred, I wonder who's going to take the drop to certain death? Cause, you know, Fred, I can't swim a lick, no I can't. And you? You can't either? Well, fancy that. Tea and biscuits at my place, chaps?"

Mind you, none of them were coming out and saying that.

But they were thinking it. I could tell.

Norrington shoved his way past them. "TO THE SHIPS!" he roared. Obligingly, his poor soldiers started wandering away from the wall and towards the docks. But duh, they were going to get there way too late, and the only thing they really could do was go to Fred's for tea and biscuits.

Tee-hee.

I ditched Jack for the time being and flew back to Will and Liz, who had apparently already had their 'I loves you very muchly, so marry me!' talk, and they were into the tongue-wrestling now. I backpedaled as fast I as I could and flew way the heck away from Port Royal.

Norrington's screams faded into the distance. They were quite something, actually. Something like...

"DAMN THOSE BLOODY PIRATES AND THEIR BLOODY BIRD!"

Scooby-dooby-doo, and that's all, folks.

* * *

**Sorry for the horrid Scooby-Doo/Looney Tunes reference. Someone was watching cartoons next door, and it was so loud, and I couldn't help but hear it...**

**YES! YE-ES! I AM DONE WITH THE FIRST MOVIE! I finally figured out what my gap-filler was gonna be..did anyone get the Disney Adventures comic book with the Dead Man's Chest stuff in em? I'm gonna use that, though any other suggestions would be handy. **

**Again, flamethrower on hand. (hums the Doom song while polishing said flamethrower)**


	17. Of Rum and Hurricanes

**Note: You guys know the drill. If you see anything wierd or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! Sorry it's been a while-my rough draft got kidnapped and held ransom by a friend. They're such freaks. Okay, here we go with the filler chapter! **

* * *

Port Royal disappeared from sight around midafternoon.

Jack had been a pain in the butt for longer than that.

He was celebrating his 'victory' by getting screamingly drunk. And when I say screamingly, I mean HE WAS SCREAMING.

"YO HO, YO HO, A SOMETHING...RUM!!" he howled, loud enough and bad enough to make dogs howl.

If we had dogs out here, of course.

The crew exchanged glances. 'The captain's lost it,' they were all thinking, and I couldn't blame them. A bunch of 'em decided to enjoy being not undead, and they were eating and rolling about like a lot of lazy, fat...things.

The rest of them plugged their ears with cotton.

Speaking of cotton, Mr. Cotton was all mad at me because I ditched him. So he had found himself a new parrot, a big red and blue and yellow guy. He didn't speak yet, but Mr. Cotton had locked himself up in a closet, and we all figured that the thing would come out speaking like it had been born with the ability to talk. So I was a parrot without a purpose, sadly.

"Captain," Gibbs said suddenly. "CAPTAIN!"

"REALLY BAD EGGS...AND RUM!!" Jack screamed, pausing to take a really big swallow of the forementioned rum.

"Captain, LOOK!" Gibbs insisted.

Jack stumbled and staggered his way over to the railing, though he fell on his face trying to get up the stairs.

White sails looked blood-red in the fading light. And they were getting closer.

"My telesthcope," Jack commanded, holding out a hand. Gibbs dropped it in his hand, and Jack promptly dropped it on the deck.

Sigh.

"Lookth like a Royal Navy thip," Jack said when he finally figured out the art of holding things. He whacked himself in the eye with the telescope. "Ow."

Gibbs rolled his eyes. "Sir?"

"Norrington," Jack said suddenly. "Itth Norrington." He dropped the telescope into the water and drank more of his rum.

Gibbs said an impolite word and ran to take the wheel from a clueless Anamaria. "All hands to stations!" he shouted.

But...yeah, remember that cotton I mentioned earlier? Yeah, that was still in everyone's ears. So they sort of heard him and looked around all cluelessly. Hmmmm, I wonder what's up now, lads. Someone said SOMETHING, I know I heard something, back to the rum...

"AAAAHHHHHHH!!" I screamed. Everyone jumped and tore the cotton out of their ears to get mad at me.

"THATIONTH!" Jack bellowed. "ALL HANDTH TO THATIONTH!" The crew started stumbling around trying to get it together.

The Navy ship and Norry the Me-Hater got closer.

Ooooooh boy. This wasn't gonna be pretty.

* * *

Apparently it was our fate to get totally soaked while on a mission of great importance. In this case, the important part was getting WAY the heck away from Norry and his gun-loaded ship.

So guess what got sent our way? I'll give you a hint-it's got one eye and gets named stuff by weather people. Still haven't guessed?

Yup. A hurricane!!

Rain poured down in FREEZING COLD sheets. The one good thing about all the cold and wet was that it sobered Jack up a little bit. He had taken over. The people had thrown ropes up so they could get from place to place without being tossed off the ship. We were anchored in a teensy weensy little scooped out place in what could barely be called an island. All the sails were down, and when that chore was done we bailed out the ship so we wouldn't sink.

Yeah, I say we cause I took part in it, too. I think I soaked up half the rain first, and then helped haul buckets. Half the time we were sure we were gonna sink. People's hands were bleeding, we were all freezing and wet and our eyes were stinging with salt.

Jack was miserable right alongside the rest of us, which made him officially the coolest guy ever in my book. I bet Norrington wasn't helping his folks.

Speaking of Norry, we weren't even sure he wasn't trying to kill us right now. Visibility outside was exactly ZERO. You saw rain and the occasional wave that tried to drown you (stupid waves) and sometimes the masts, right before you ran into them, but nothing else.

The people started taking turns-some of them would try to sleep in soaking wet hammocks while being drenched from above, and others would continue the miserable work of bailing.

I was so tired I couldn't see (though the salt in my eyes might have had something to do with it, too.) But I can sort of remember when the water level in the ship actually started going down, and you could sort of see when hauling buckets outside. I took a nap, and when I woke up I was actually pretty dry, and so was the ship.

We staggered into a cloudy but blessedly rainless night not much later. We had been in the hurricane for two days, and we could see it wreaking its dastardly hurricane-y havoc back in a general Port Royal direction, but we were out of it now.

"Well," Jack said hoarsely, rubbing his hands together. "Who wants some rum!?"

Everyone agreed, and they went below to drown their pain in the disgusting brown substance called rum.

I was given water (a good thing, too, since as a person I was totally underage.) Norrington was nowhere in sight.

"Guess he sank or sailed," Gibbs said.

"Guess we didn't," Jack replied. They clinked bottles and proceeded to drink themselves senseless.

Pirating is soooo fun! (yeah, right.)

* * *

**Should this be the only filler chapter? I think I'm gonna need one more to tie it into the second Pirates movie. (My old idea to use the Pirates comic strip was officially dumped when it turned into a feature-length story of its own.) **


	18. The Limes Song and Capture

**Note: You guys know the drill. If you see anything wierd or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! This is the second filler chapter (had to be done-Jack didn't get in that pirate prison in the first movie by teleportation!)**

* * *

Y'know, it's funny how life works. We hadn't seen old Norrington in weeks-since before the hurricane I had dubbed Helen-but he still managed to ruin our happy, rum-drinkin' pirat-ey lives.

Stupid Norry.

So, we had to get supplies, right? Only supplies in pirate speak meant rum and limes. I HATE LIMES!!

Lime-hating isn't so great when you're at sea, but people didn't know I hated limes. So I had to tell them, you know?

Anyway, we stopped by this island that remains nameless in my mind, though I'm sure everyone else knew the name of it. We took down our proud pirate-y flag and swaggered out into a dirty sort of town where, apparently, you could get rum and limes for CHEAP!

YAAYYY!

Not!!

We were walking down the street with barrels of rum and limes. AND WE SAW THESE POSTERS ON THE WALL!!

They had Jack's picture on them (it didn't really look like him, except for the crazy hair and guyliner and beads), a better description, and a big old WANTED over all that.

Let's just say I stopped right in the middle of a rousing chorus of a song called, 'I HATE LIMES!' It went something like this (to the tune of 'Mary had a Little Lamb', sort of):

"I hate limes, I hate them hate! Hate them hate! HATE THEM HATE! I hate limes I hate them hate! But I hate ruuuu-ummmmmmm more!" Over and over again.

I thought it was quite genius.

So, yeah. Basically all the hygienically neglected guys giving us weird looks realized we knew what they knew and decided to get us!

They were on us like...things that...get on people.

Jack went running and screaming down towards the Pearl, but guys in actual uniforms as well as funny British accents jumped out from behind buildings like some demented game of 'Peek-a-boo, I see a pirate who's goin' to jail!'

Everyone freaked out when they saw the British. I burst out with 'The BRITISH ARE COMIN'!', just to shake things up, and everyone scattered like...things...that scatter?

Yeesh, I'm not good at describing things.

The rest of the pirates dove behind our barrels of limes and rum-boy, even the smell of limes makes me want to vomit-and waited for the British dudes to haul Jack away.

"Well," Gibbs said finally. "They'll be taking him to The Pirate Prison."

He said 'The' like, 'capital T', and I knew it was probably that place with the guy getting his eye pecked out by a bird in a teeny bird-cage thingy and the coffin where Jack was rowing with the dead guy's leg and all that, so YEAH!

I'd finally graduated to the second movie!

* * *

**Hey, guys, it's Raiths! Just writing to say, YES, I've finally reached the second movie! YEAH!!**

**My computer is also having some problems lately-I think my parents got worried when they saw all the hours I was logging, and they did something to it. So until I figure out what they did, I'm on in thirty minute bursts of computer time. So updates might be a little slow. Sorry.**


	19. Adios Anamaria

**Note: You guys know the drill. If you see anything weird or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! btw...WELCOME TO DMC: COTTON'S PARROT STYLE!**

So, anyway, we decided to rescue Jack. (What else were we gonna do? Without him we were like a chicken with its head cut off.)

We hauled the hated limes and rum onto the ship. Gibbs took temporary control of things. I still didn't really KNOW any nautical terms, so I wasn't much help in the whole, 'raise canvas and weigh anchor' business.

SOOO I went and sat somewhere really high and decided today was the day to learn something new! The last thing I had practiced was the Limes song, and that was wearing on everybody. Someone had actually thrown the dreaded green fruit at me!!

We were 'making sail' or getting ready to leave, and I was up there trying to say 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.' It came out something like this: 'HOOPERWALLAFRAAHGILIPSTICKEXPERTALLDAOCEAN.' Seriously.

But hey! I could say 'lipstick' and 'expert' and 'ocean'! I began to practice these new words! Gibbs gave me a look that said, 'You aren't helping, darn bird!' and I took pity on him.

"He..he...ay...he...ay...h-ay...HEY! HEY! HEY!" I shrieked. "HEY!"

Anamaria threw a girlie fit. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS!" she screamed. "That...THAT THING is unnatural! It's brought us nothing but bad luck! It's a curse!"

Said cursed-bad-luck thing squawked, "LIPSTICK!!" Anamaria looked up for a second.

"All it does is shriek nonsense! It's cursing us, I tell you!"

I thought the only curse put on her was the curse of horribly frizzy hair and a screechy voice. But I can't SAY frizzy or screechy, darnit!

Or curse, now that I think about it.

"That's Cotton's bird," Gibbs said. "It can shriek all the nonsense it likes, but it ain't leavin'."

THANK YOU! SUPPORT!!

"Cotton has a new bird," Anamaria replied. "And if you want me to stay on this ship, that bird is going!"

CRRAAAAPPPPPPP!!

I tried to tell myself I was a million times more useful than Miss Frizz-Screech, but heck, my argument didn't even work on me. No one pelted ANAMARIA with limes!!

I was doomed!!

Gibbs looked up at me. I gave him my most pathetic look and my saddest squawk. He winced.

Okay, so the squawk sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard. Do YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO PUT INFLECTION IN A PARROT'S VOICE??

"The bird's staying," he said finally. "If yer leavin', I suggest you get yer things now."

Anamaria looked stunned. "Well," she replied. "I can't believe you're giving me up for that thing!"

"I like that bird more than you," Gibbs sighed.

YES! GO, GIBBS!!

I soared down and landed on the railing next to him. He looked at me out of the corner of my eye.

"Thanks," I said. It came out like, "Thank," but I think he got it.

"I just gave up our best helmsman for you," he told me. "What was I thinking?"

* * *

Believe it or not, Gibbs was the only one a little upset about Anamaria. Everyone else actually cheered her departure as we began to move along. A bunch of guys we didn't know had gotten on the ship during the Great Wanted Poster Debacle, but they could sort of sail, so they were allowed to stay.

Pirate Prison wasn't far-I could actually SEE our old island WWAAAAYYY off on the horizon. I kind of wondered why we had gone there. It was totally close enough for people to be watching-maybe Jack had thought they would think that no one would be so stupid as to hang there.

And NOW look where he was, right? Kind of said something for his crappy planning.

Gibbs was sitting on the deck getting drunk, and he had actually poured me a little bowl of it before remembering I despised the stuff.

"Somethn' 'appened to ya," he told me.

Gee, Gibbs, that's great! What the heck are you talking about!?

"Ya oozed to be a nat'ral bird," he continued. "Wind in yer sails, ya oozed to 'ay. That was 'yes.' Now ya 'ay 'yes.'"

Oh boy. NOT GOOD. Someone was noticing my not normalcy. Then I kind of relaxed-it wasn't like he would guess that I-

" 'Is like yer from 'nother...plase or somthn'," Gibbs said, and promptly drank half the rum in his bottle.

Um. What could I do to get poor, drunk, TOTALLY WRONG ABOUT ME Mr. Gibbs to forget this uncomfortable subject?

Well, while spending time with pirates, I had discovered they knew the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song! Well..the theme for the ride or whatever. And it was the first real pirate-y thing I had learned, really.

'WEEEEEE pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot-" I began.

"DRINK UP ME HEARTIES YO HO!" Gibbs bellowed.

"We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot," I continued.

"DRINK UP ME HEARTIES YO HO!" Gibbs shouted. "YO HO YO HO, A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!!"

And he continued to sing horribly on his own.

I looked out over the water-and froze.

A coffin was coming towards us. And in the coffin, a shadowy figure!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" I screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the surprised Gibbs howled. The coffin figure did a spastic little jerk and fell into the water.

HA, loser! No more creepy undead people are coming on this ship! I ruffled my wings proudly. Defender of the SS Black Pearl, that's me! First Mate Helen!

"BUGGER that's cold," a voice exclaimed. A VEERRRYY familar voice.

Oops. "JACK!" I squawked. "CAPTAIN JACK!!"

Gibbs hauled Jack out of the water-Jack hit him with a dead guy's leg. "Sorry, Cap'n," Gibbs muttered, and held out the mostly drunk bottle of rum.

"My plan worked," he declared. "It was brilliant, as always."

Gibbs and I were at a loss.

"Plan, captain? What plan?" Gibbs asked for the both of us.

The crew came pouring out on deck. "Plan? What did you get, Captain Jack? What did you get?" they asked. Some of them began to argue-arguments became an all-out brawl.

Great, Gibbs. SEE WHAT ASKING QUESTIONS WILL GET YOU!?

Jack hit Gibbs with the leg again.

* * *

**Sorry not much happened-had to explain the absence of Anamaria, and the darn lady took up a lot of space with her whining. More DMC in the next chapter!**


	20. Bootstrap, Rum, and Black Spots

**Note: You guys know the drill. If you see anything weird or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! btw...WELCOME TO DMC: COTTON'S PARROT STYLE!**

* * *

Okay, this was so stupid. I fluttered up onto Jack's shoulder and yanked on his little charm-thingy. He drew his pistol and fired it into the air.

The sound was tremendous in the sudden silence. Everyone was frozen-one of our stowaway crewmembers was actually frozen in midstep.

Loser.

"Did you get what you went in for, Captain?" Gibbs asked carefully.

"Muhuh," Jack replied, swaggering towards the helm, dropping the leg in Gibbs' hands. Gibbs dropped it like a hot potato.

He reached into his pocket-the crew waited with the anticipation of...darnit, I've got to get better at describing things!

"Is it gold?" Ragetti asked.

"Jewels?" his fattish buddy Pintel added.

Ooh! Ooh, I know! It's Oreos! OREOS!!

Sheesh.

Jack drew out the little rolled up bit of paper, and everyone deflated like balloons with their air let out.

Darn, and I'd really wanted those Oreos. WHAT DID THEY THINK IT WAS?! I mean, seriously, who gets treasure from PRISON!? AND CAN LEAVE WITH IT!?

"Captain," Gibbs began, "I think the crew - meaning me, as well - were expecting something a bit more..." He made a vague motion with his hands- "Shiny. What with the Isla de Muerta going all pear-shapes, reclaimed by the sea and the treasure with it."

PEAR SHAPES?! What the heck does that mean?

"And the Royal Navy chasing us all around the Atlantic!" Mid-Step Man added.

All around? Wait a minute, that isn't possible, what with-

"The hurricane!" Marty added. "Don't forget the hurricane!!"

Everyone chimed in with agreement.

Mind you, I've never seen a mutiny.

But I'm fairly sure all the hands on weapons and murderous glares meant something bad.

"All in all," Gibbs said hastily, "It seems some time since we did a speck of honest piratin'."

Jack stared at him for about ten seconds. "Shiny," he said finally.

"Aye, shiny," Gibbs said, somewhat nervously.

Is that how you're all feeling, then? Perhaps dear old Jack is not serving your best interests as captain?" Jack asked.

Wait! The bird had a line here! AND THE BIRD WAS ME!!

"Walk the plank!" I squawked helpfully, but stayed on Jack's shoulder. He couldn't aim a pistol at my head if I was here, at the risk of blowing his own brains out.

"WHAT DID THE BIRD SAY!?" Jack half-screamed, twisting to try to glare at me. Mr. Gibbs made a cutting gesture at me, and I wisely shut up.

"Sorry," I squawked instead, right as Mid-Step Man said, "Do not blame the bird. Show us, what is on that piece of cloth there."

Oh no he didn't! He did NOT just give Jack Sparrow orders!

"Are you on my crew?" Jack demanded. The man went white and nodded.

Jack the Monkey dropped from nowhere and took off running with Jack's key-drawn cloth. Jack drew his pistol and shot it, walking to pick up his piece of cloth.

"You know that don't do no good," Gibbs told him as Jack screeched at his namesake from the safety of the rigging above us.

"It does me," Jack said, infinitely more calm than he had been before.

#998 and 999 on the list of uses for an undead monkey-Anger management and target practice!

"It's a key," Marty said, having already grabbed Jack's piece of cloth. Jack snatched it away from him.

"Much more better," he said, sounding a little offended as well as pleased. "It is a drawring of a key."

Okay, WHAT THE HECK IS A DRAWRING!? It sure wasn't a DRAWING, as most people who could TALK would know!!

"Gentlemen, what do keys do?" he pressed.

Everyone froze. "I know this one," I heard someone mutter.

Good grief, my pirates were idiots!

Someone whispered something to Mr. Mid-Step, and he opened his mouth. "Keys...open things?" he asked. He actually ASKED it, like he wasn't SURE what a key did!!

Oh, lord. We were all gonna be cannibal fodder.

"And whatever this key unlocks, inside there's something valuable. So, we're setting out to find whatever this key unlocks!" Gibbs cried. Everyone looked at Jack.

Who immediately crushed their hopes. Way to captain, Jack.

"No." he said firmly. "We don't have the key, we can't open whatever it is we don't have that it unlocks. So, what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don't have, without first having found the key what unlocks it."

Gibbs pondered that for a second. Heck, I KNEW what he meant and I still didn't really get it. Living with pirates is a confusing ordeal.

"So, we're going after this key!" Gibbs said, and I could just see the lightbulb over his head.

"You're not making any sense at all," Jack told him after a second. Gibbs blinked. "Any more questions?"

Silence.

"Er," Marty said finally, "So...do we have a heading?"

"A heading!" Jack cried, as though he had just realized that we needed DIRECTIONS to get somewhere.

He fumbled for his compass. "Ah, set sail in a" I peered at his compass. It was whirling around like Jack fully loaded with rum. "general..." His finger followed it for a minute before he picked a random direction "that way direction!"

Everyone stared at him. "Captain?" Gibbs said slowly, using the voice you use on scared horses and crazy people.

"Come ON! Snap to, make sail, you know how this works." He started towards his cabin. "Oi, oi!" Jack waved some pirates out of his path as he walked instead of just GOING AROUND them.

Oh yeah. This was gonna be fun.

NOT.

* * *

Jack tapped on his compass. Oh, yeah, Jack. Hit the compass a few more times and I'm sure a heading will spring right out at you!

"WORK!" he screamed.

Did I mention Jack was a little drunk?

He threw the compass at the wall, then reached for his rum bottle.

"Empty," I squawked. Those are the kinds of things you have to learn when Jack Sparrow's your captain.

"Why?" he moaned. "Why is the rum always gone?"

Jack rolled his eyes up to the ceiling and nearly fell over.

"Oh," he muttered. "That's why." He plopped his hat on his head and stumbled and staggered his way down to the rum stock or whatever it was called.

The crew sounded like a freight train in the making. Jack didn't look at them. "As you were, gents," he mumbled.

Oh, yeah, Jack. I bet they were all awake and just hanging on your every word.

Well, as everyone knows, there was no rum. Jack watched the sand in the final rum bottle run through his fingers with a crushed look on his face.

"Time's run out, Jack," a voice rasped.

My friend Ty went on this haunted-house/ride thing once. Alicia and I heard a lot of girly screams, and when Ty came out, his voice was practically gone. Of course, he denied the girly screaming.

This guy-Bootstrap, DUH- sounded like that, only like he'd been on the ride for so long that even when he sort of had a voice it was all rough, if that makes sense, which it obviously doesn't. ARGH!

"Bootstrap," Jack said immediately, and moved his lantern closer. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention the lantern. "Bill Turner?"

"You look good, Jack." And Bootstrap walked out.

AAAAHHHHHH!! I mean, I knew Bootstrap looked mostly human, but this was so clearly not makeup. He smelled like the ocean and mold and-blech. The barnacles on his face opened and closed-the starfish moved a little in the light, closer to Bootstrap's eye.

I held my breath and decided to look at him out of the corner of my eye. He was only sort of freaky from there.

Jack finally said something. "Is this a dream?"

Bootstrap looked at him. "No."

"I thought not. If it were, there'd be rum," Jack sighed.

Bootstrap CREAKED when he stretched out his arm, which was almost worse than his face and his horrible moldy smell. I was really glad he was wearing a coat over his arms, because I didn't want to see what was crawling all over him under that coat.

Jack reached out a little hesitantly and took it. That's how I knew he was freaked out, too-Jack didn't hesitate when rum was around.

"You got the Pearl back, I see," Bootstrap said, as easily as if he and Jack had just met at some hotel somewhere after a long time of not seeing each other.

Which was true, except for the hotel and the fact that no one would allow Bootstrap in a hotel no matter what.

"I had some help retrieving the Pearl, by the way. Your son." Apparently Jack was all for a chatty little reunion.

"William? Ended up pirate after all," Bootstrap muttered.

**"**And to what do I owe the pleasure of your carbuncle?" Jack asked finally.

"He sent me. Davy Jones," Bootstrap replied.

"Ah. So it's you, then. He shanghaied you into service, eh?" Jack said faintly. He looked like he wished he really was dreaming up in his cabin. I didn't blame him.

"I chose it. I'm sorry for the part I played in the mutiny against you, Jack."

A crab scurried out of Bootstrap's sleeve-he grabbed it and ate it.

I was more glad he had that coat over his arms then ever.

"I stood up for ya. Everything went wrong after that. They strapped me to a cannon, I ended up on the bottom of the ocean, the weight of the water crushing down on me. Unable to move, unable to die, Jack, and I thought that even the tiniest hope of escaping this fate, I would take it. I would trade anything for it."

"It's funny what a man will do to forestall his final judgment," Jack agreed.

"You made a deal with him, too, Jack. He raised the Pearl from the depths for you, thirteen years you've been Captain," Bootstrap pointed out. Jack instantly looked for a way to avoid this subject, Jack style.

Guess you wish you hadn't been so chatty with the dead guy now, Jack!

"Technically, I -" Jack began in his best arguing voice.

"Jack!" Bootstrap barked.

EEEK! He was so close now, and he smelled WORSE when he was angry. I though I was gonna puke.

"Won't be able to talk yourself out of this. The terms would apply to me, apply to you, as well. One soul, bound to crew a hundred years upon his ship."

"Yes, but The Flying Dutchman already has a Captain, so there's really -" Jack really was trying, but I think he knew what was gonna end up happening as well as I did.

"Then it's the Locker for you!"

Bootstrap wasn't loud, but the not-loudness was creepier than shouting.

"Though this is terrible, the leviathan will find you and drag the Pearl back to the depths and you along with it."

"Any idea when Jones might release said terrible beastie?" Jack asked hopefully.

"I already told you, Jack. The time is up." He reached for Jack's hand to do the whole, "Thou art cursed with Black Spot' deal.

I chomped down on his hand.

Ever eaten the fat your parents ALWAYS trim off steak?Bootstrap tasted like cold steak fat, only saltier.

Bootstrap didn't seem to think it hurt-he was just surprised. "JACK!" Jack blinked at me like he wasn't sure what I was doing.

"Black SPOT!" I said, but it came out, "Burk Sur!"

"What?" Jack asked.

I released Bootstrap's hand. "BLACK SPOT!" I screamed. Good grief, was he deaf?

Bootstrap grabbed Jack's hand and smeared goo all over it. "It comes now. Drawn with ravenous hunger for the man what bears the black spot."

Oh, look, Jack. A BLACK SPOT!!

"On deck all hands! Make faster -- gasket! On deck! Scurry! Scurry on! Move it! Move it!! I want movement!" Jack shouted, running as fast as he could up on deck. Everyone did their best, but it was the middle of the freaking night.

"I want a (he got a bit garbled here) plenty running. Run as if the devil himself and itself was upon us!" Jack shouted.

"Do we have a heading?" Gibbs asked. Jack screamed when he noticed Gibbs.

_"_Ah! Rum! Land." Gibbs walked around to the other side of the stairs Jack was cowering behind. "Ah!" Jack yelped again.

**"**Which port?" poor Mr. Gibbs asked.

**"**I didn't say port. I said land, any land." Jack the monkey came by and nonchalantly knocked Jack's hat off. "Ah!" Jack yelped, and he hissed at monkey Jack.

"Jack's hat! Steer about!" Gibbs roared.

No, no, leave it!" Jack ordered. We all froze. I mean, I knew he was gonna say that, but now that I'd seen him and his hat more than I'd even seen in the movies, I couldn't believe he wanted to leave it. "Rum!" Jack added.

**"**Back to your stations, the lot of ya!" Gibbs ordered. He looked under the stairs, where Jack was trying to be invisible.

It didn't work, partly cause he had a huge multi-colored parrot on his shoulder and PARTLY BECAUSE HE COULDN'T MAKE HIMSELF INVISIBLE!!

Yeesh.

"Jack?" Gibbs asked.

"Shh!" Jack hissed-I bit his ear. "OW!" he yelped, and slapped a hand over his mouth.

"For the love of Mother and Child, Jack, what's coming after us?" Gibbs demanded.

Oh boy. Here it comes.

"Nothing," Jack replied in a voice several octaves higher than normal.

Riiiiigght.

* * *

**YAY! An uber-long chapter!! **


	21. Honor of Release

**Note: You guys know the drill. If you see anything weird or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! btw...WELCOME TO DMC: COTTON'S PARROT STYLE!**

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, there weren't any voices below me. I looked around groggily, wishing I had some coffee or...or SOMETHING!!

No one was around, and the ship wasn't actually moving...I blinked to clear my stupid blurry eyes and peered around again.

We were pulled way up onto the sand of some island, and it was VEEERRRY familiar...

OMIGOD!! THEY HAD DITCHED ME ON THE SHIP AND GONE TO GET EATEN BY CANNIBALS!!

"JACK!" a voice shouted, cutting into my rage-fest before it even really got started. "JACK SPARROW!!"

Yay! It was Will!! I dove off my perch on top of the mast-and crashed on the sand. Lovely. Though, to be fair, Will jumped about six feet and let out a very unmanly noise. Heh-heh.

I flew up to perch on his shoulder and bit his ear. It was kind of my thing. "Hello," I squawked.

"Where is everybody?" Will asked. Fine, disregard my hello!!

I raised my wings and lowered them in a sort of birdy shrug. "Gone," I replied. Will groaned.

"Brilliant." Then he brightened. "Do you know where they are?"

Um. I didn't really know how to break this to him. Oh, they're fine. Some were eaten and made into a cage of bones to hold their buddies over a giant chasm of death and Jack has been crowned Cannibal King and they're going to eat him.

Oh, yeah. I could TOTALLY see him accepting that.

WAIT A SECOND!! I couldn't let Will waltz off into the cannibal-infested jungle!! I mean, things were already going to get strange, but I'd been twisting some plot lines here.

WHAT IF THEY JUST ATE HIM!?

Nuh-uh, no way was I gonna be responsible for the life of William Turner, blacksmith extrordinaire. But I was, way, way deep down, in a part uncorrupted by piracy, a decent sort of person.

So I decided to lead him off.

"Follow me," I squawked, and took off. There was actually a pretty obvious trail where the pirates had gone-there were a zillion of them, and not entirely sober, either-but I led him into another bit of forest.

Only, silly me, I went too high and too fast. So soon Will's tongue was dragging the ground and he was soaked with sweat.

"Wait...up!" he gasped. I stopped for about three seconds in the air-in time to see poor ol' exhausted Will stumble right over a tripwire.

The rope went around his ankle-Will went up into the air.

A ring of cannibals emerged from the stupid shrubs and trees.

Darn Disney writers weren't letting me mess this bit up, apparently.

I parked my butt on a branch and watched to see if they were planning on eating Will. Well, they were, but apparently decided he wasn't much trouble. They didn't even shoot a little poison dart at him or anything. Cannibal-dudes tied him to a stick and marched off.

"HEY!" Will shouted, squirming a little bit. Only, hey, funny story-he was so absolutely exhausted that he couldn't move much without having to stop to catch his breath every five seconds.

I flew way up high and followed them as they marched Cannibal-Food (by which I mean Will) to the Cannibal King.

I beat them there (being a totally superior life form) and parked on Jack's shoulder. He was watching the approaching people with a glazed sort of look in his eye-I wondered if they had given him rum or something. It would totally figure if he was drunk right now.

Will twitched his head a little bit when the procession stopped and squinted at Jack. There was a gleam of something in his eyes when he saw me, something like, oh, I don't know...

HATRED!?

I ducked behind Jack's massive hairdo. I may be a coward, but I'm definitely not stupid.

Jack waltzed over to Will and poked him. Will looked at him like he'd gone crazy. Heck, maybe he had, for all I knew.

"Jack?" he said. "Jack, it's me, Will Turner!"

"Will," I squawked, and all the Purple People-Eaters (good grief, I'm funny) looked at me. "Hello," I said, waving my wings around a bit.

Stealing Jack's thunder, actually. Thing is, though, apparently the People-Eaters were a fickle bunch, cause they dumped Jack like a hot potato for, well...

Me.

* * *

No one was more surprised than me, believe me. One second I'm sitting on Jack's shoulder, and the next I'm sitting on his throne-chair while Will AND Jack were marched off to be put in bone-cages. I mean, COME ON!! If someone had told me that would have happened five minutes ago, I would have laughed in their faces.

Glumly I recieved a makeover from the Painted Pelegostos, which included a weensy necklace of what looked like fingerbones and a tiny little headdress made of twigs and flowers all woven together. I tried not to look, especially at my necklace. Everyone went about doing their thing, though one of them stopped by every few minutes.

The people in the bone cages were better off than me, because they were already piling wood on a fire. I didn't know how they were all going to get a piece of me.

You may be asking, 'Why would they all want a piece of you anyway?'

Well, anyone who has ever seen Dead Man's Chest at least once knows that the Pelegostos intended to fry their King and release his god form.

Or, in my case, GODDESS form.

Sigh.

Why ME?

* * *

**Hmmm...I had intended to make it further than DMC... ; )**

**Sorry my updates aren't consistent lately...I'm working on it, promise. **


	22. ESCAPAY!

**Note: Pirates isn't mine, etc. If you guys see anything weird or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! **

**Stole the title idea for this chapter from Dory from Finding Nemo. That is my favorite Disney/Pixar movie ever.**

* * *

Okay, I really only had two options here.

#1: Use my wings to get WAY the heck away from here OR

#2: Stay and get eaten.

Good ol' #2 wasn't even really an option.

But, if I left, they'd all get Jack again, and probably notice that everyone was swinging around like on some demented carnival ride trying to hoist their way out.

I was gonna wait FIVE minutes.

My subjects were piling wood onto an enormous fire, while I was sitting there in my stupid little headdress and necklace thinking that these people were really stupid. You can't COOK a bird who doesn't want to be cooked, right? Cause birds have wings, yeah?

One of the cannibals grabbed one of my wings and stretched it out. He had a knife in his hand, which he was bringing closer to my feathers. The Five-Minute Plan was forgotten abruptly-I flapped my wings, shrieking, and soared into the sky, free as -

Well, as a bird.

Life doesn't work like that, though. Because they guy didn't let go, and he ripped a whole bunch of my feathers out.

"OW!" I screamed. I then proceeded to teach him several words that I had learned from pirates that would get me locked in my room for a month at home. Everyone was just staring at me, all quiet, waiting for me to be done.

Well, I WAS done. Done with this whole freaking cannibal-sacrifice thing. So I launched myself into the air (no one grabbed me this time) and was on my way.

Only one problem, though.

Apparently some wing-feathers are really important for those of us who fly, because my right wing absolutely refused to do much more than help me glide along. All the major flapping had to be done with my LEFT wing, and the right just sat there like a useless lump.

Still, a couple good pumps with my good wing and I was flying, if incredibly lopsided. A couple shakes of my head and the little hat-thingy fell off, making me a bit lighter. Not much I could do about the finger-lace, but I was doing fine right now.

Y'know, height is everything. I got up pretty high and hit some sort of current or something-whatever it was, it helped a lot in the whole lopsided-flying business.

While I was up so high, I noticed that I wasn't going as quickly as I had hoped. A bunch of my ex-subjects were jogging along under me, clearly just waiting for the handicapped bird to stop flying already.

Ten minutes ago, when I was a fully intact specimen of a parrot, I would have dive-bombed them screaming unpleasant things and yanked out their face-jewelry or something. As it was, I had to settle with screaming something unpleasant and ill-wishing their face jewelry. _Please, PLEASE, let those horrible bone things catch on a branch. PLEASE..._

Someone, somewhere, decided to give the poor Wingless Wonder (me) a break. Because all of a sudden, I could see the ship, sort of below me. I dropped like a rock, planning to land quite gracefully on a mast.

My stupid featherless wing objected mightily. When I spread my wings to let the wind catch them, my plucked wing didn't have enough feathers to catch air, but the other one did. One wing lurched up-I spiraled past my mark, thumping into the sail and sliding and spinning my way down, crashing on the deck.

Mr. Cotton tried to pick me up-I bit his finger. _Where were YOU when I needed you, punk?_

I forgave him almost instantly when I remembered-he had been waiting to be eaten in a cage made of crew members.

That was ALMOST as bad as wearing stupid jewelry and being plucked half-bald.

"Clumsy bird," a voice remarked. A voice I had grown to hate in my brief stint as a goddess in parrot form.

"JAAAAACCCCKKK!!" I screamed, climbing onto Mr. Cotton's arm and scrambling to his shoulder to glare at the man.

The guy who had basically waltzed off to let me be eaten instead of him. The man I now loathed.

To his credit, the object of said loathing half-ducked behind Will.

"BAD JACK!" I shouted. "BAD, BAD JACK!"

Jack is like my dog.

Not really. I wish. It would make life around here a lot easier if he was, though.

"Terribly sorry," he said from his place behind Will. "Y'know, I didn't have any other choice, and-"

I could tell this was going to take a long time. He was building himself up into a really good whine. And I was in no mood for his whining today.

"NO EXCUSES!" I barked-another phrase borrowed from my mother.

"Right," Jack muttered. "Sorry."

He dipped his head at me-I lunged for his hair, but didn't quite reach before he jerked back.

"Nasty little thing," he was saying to Will as Mr. Cotton moved to do something interesting to a sail. "Bites like a tiger and screams louder than a woman."

Heh-heh.

* * *

**So sorry it's really short. My life is an insane mess these days, so please put up with a shorter chapter today. I'll make it up to you. **

**In the meantime, please review. I'll give you cookies...cookies from THE DARK SIDE. **


	23. Off to See the Witch

**Note: Pirates isn't mine, etc. If you guys see anything weird or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! Don't let me get embarassed...**

**A/N: Guys, Tia Dalma is gonna be talking in this chapter. So I'm gonna spell words how I think she pronounces them. If you have a problem understanding, write me and I'll translate for you. D**

* * *

So, of course the solution to Jack-o's problems would be to glide upriver to the creepy voodoo queen.

And I really, really, really, really hated her. Ever since she went all creepy crab mistress in At World's End. She was a freak, and she scared me, and I hated her.

Plus...she was MAGIC. Whatever had happened to stick me in a parrot's body was probably MAGIC, too. Did magic people sense other magic?

I thought so.

So basically I was a pile of quivering jelly as we rowed upriver. Nervous, feathery, grumpy jelly.

Jelly in serious pain.

Of course, I had learned a movie back that pain medicine was minimal-they had some stuff called opium that was rather popular. Or so I had read in a book.

BUT I KNEW BETTER THAN TO USE DRUGS IN-whatever time period it was now. The Pirate Period? The Swashbuckling Era?

I should have paid more attention in World History.

I, the jellied parrot, chose to sit on Jack's shoulder the whole way-mostly because he wasn't rowing upstream and, therefore, his shoulder wasn't moving.

I found it a bit hard to believe, but there were crocodiles (or alligators...) in the river. Um, GULP. Suddenly the bit at the end of this movie where all the island people stood in the water with candles mourning Jack the Kraken Dinner seemed like a stupid idea.

'Oh, look, poor Bill got dragged under by an EE-normous crocodile like a zebra on the Discovery Channel. Oh, crap. Back to looking sad then!'

I was amusing myself with this dialogue when our boat bumped into something.

A LARGE AND SCALY something.

Everyone sucked in their breath and started rowing faster. I mentally encouraged them while huddling on Jack's shoulder, sending non-edible thoughts to everything big and toothy in the vicinity.

A glance around the boat showed crocodiles (OR FREAKING ALLIGATORS, I DON'T KNOW!!) swimming along under the water.

They didn't look like they fancied a meal of parrot and pirate, really.

(Though honestly, the pirates were so dirty that I wouldn't have eaten them either.)

The river-creatures (I wasn't sure which they were, so they were, from now on, river-creatures) just swam there. Another look around showed them flanking our boat.

Apparently Voodoo-Queen had sent us a scaly, toothy escort.

Gulp.

* * *

The river-creatures seperated the moment we came to a dock in front of a house on stilts. Everyone let out a collective sigh and scrambled out. None of that silly, half-funny 'stay with the boat' business, or whatever.

Of course SHE was waiting for us.

"Jahk!" she half-squealed. "Cahp-teen Jahk Spahrrow!"

Yello, o' creepy one.

She stopped smiling the minute she looked at me.

I started thinking stupid birdy thoughts.

"Thaht ees not a bee-rd," she said.

It came out like "Beerduh." Well, of course I wasn't a beerduh. I was a bird.

"Jack," I squawked. "Jack Sparrow!"

She didn't look convinced by my obvious birdiness.

"Are you goin' to let us in, love?" Jack asked.

Tia Dalma led them inside. I fluttered from shoulder to shoulder, back to the very last person to walk in-Will.

I wasn't sure whether Crab-Mistress was staring at him or me.

"Oo," she said, clearly trying to say YOU but garbling the 'y'. I choked, and would have laughed if I could have.

"Oo ahve eh tooch of desti-nee about oo," she continued. "Weelahm. Toornah."

Again with the oo. And what was a tooch? A Weelahm?

Something that would have had me spewing milk out my nose back in my human body.

A vulgar truth.

"Do I know you?" Will asked.

NO, NO YOU DO NOT AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO. WAIT WITH THE BOAT! WAIT WITH IT!!

Tia Dalma's eyes snapped towards me like I'd spoken aloud.

Bird, bird, just a birdy birdy birdy.

She looked away, and I lunged for Will's ear.

He caught my beak with his hand, holding it closed. Darnit, he was getting too good for me. "Don't try it," he warned.

"MMMPPHH," I said, and he let go.

I went for his little beardy thing-and ripped out a hair or six.

Will's eyes watered-he slammed his foot down on the floor, clearly trying not to scream his head off.

And guys thought we girls were weenies. I could take an eyebrow plucking-Will couldn't take having a hair plucked off HIS face.

Jack gave Will a strange look-a small pocket of space formed around the clearly insane man with a bird on his shoulder.

Ha.

"I have a request," Jack said.

Voodoo-Queen nodded. "Oo know ah requi-ya paymeent," she said sharply.

It was so, so hard not to let some sound out, but I clamped my beak shut and thought of serious things.

Like how the voodoo queen might be able to hear what I was thinking and voodoo me.

"I brought payment," Jack said promptly.

I had tried to help Little Jack, really I had. But many pirates against a really smart monkey and parrot would eventually prevail.

Especially if you were bribed into a small space-say, a cabinet- with some seriously delicious looking food.

Jack whipped out his pistol, put LJ's cage on her desk, and fired.

LJ squealed his outrage.

"One undead monkey," Jack said brightly, as if he hadn't just shot a defenseless animal.

Tia Dalma opened the latch on the cage-EVERYONE lunged forward at once.

"Don't!" Gibbs shouted, sure the monkey would go on a rampage and infuriate Miss Crab-Goddess.

Little Jack crawled onto her shoulder and made a little chirpy noise. I flapped my wings a bit sadly. No one to help me mess with the pirates now.

"Little Jack," I squawked, and waved my less-bald wing at him. Little Jack flopped a hand at me and returned to playing with Tia Dalma's hair.

"Da paymeent ees fayah," Tia Dalma said, still gazing at me with her black-lined eyes. Yeesh, I thought I put MY eyeliner on too thick. She and Jack took the cake in the Too Much Eyeliner category.

Guyliner in Jack's case.

Will slapped the paper with the key on it onto the table. "We're looking for this," he said, evidently having gotten over the shock of hair-pulling. "And whatever it goes to."

Tia Dalma looked at Jack, then at his belt-more specifically, his compass. A smile spread over her face.

She shouldn't have. She didn't have the MOST hygienically neglected smile I'd ever seen, but it was still pretty yucky.

"Jahk Spahrrow does not know wot he vants!"

I swear she said 'Vants.' Just like Dracula.

"'Or key go to a cheest. Ahn' it ees wot lay eenside the chest oo seek. Eesn't eet?"

What? Oh...guess she was talking about the Dead Man's Chest.

* * *

I'm afraid to admit that I did, in fact, fall asleep about then, but woke up when I felt movement.

Looking up, I saw Tia Dalma smirking down at me. "'Or pirahts ees gone," she said slyly.

Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap...

"Will," I squawked. "Jack."

She leaned in close to me. "Do not tink I do not know wot oo are," she hissed. "Heleen. Taylohr."

CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!

I scrambled off that table and took off out an open window.

Thank god my pirates weren't too far downstream-I skimmed the water for a second before realizing that Miss Voodoo-Queen controlled the crocs/gators in these parts. I got up in time to avoid possibly being dinner and made my slow and limping flight to a pirate's shoulder.

"Ah," Jack said as I flopped onto his shoulder, exhausted and freaking out. "There you are."

* * *

**Sorry I've been gone so long-started school about a month ago and can't seem to get out from under the work it piles on me...but see, I gave you a real chapter this time, not the little midget ones I've been writing. **

**Apparently Tia Dalma is in on Helen-parrot's secret...-waggles eyebrows- I'll give you another Dark Side cookie if you can guess what ELSE she knows...XD**


	24. Sliding, Stalking, Sunk

**Note: Pirates isn't mine, etc. If you guys see anything weird or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! Don't let me get embarassed...**

**A/N: There really isn't an excuse for going this long without an update...except that I have long since passed 'up to my ears' in schoolwork. (for those who don't want to read the last chapter, basically Tia Dalma knows who Helen/parrot is.)**

My mini cardiac episode was over by the time we got to the ship. "Where to?" Will asked Jack.

Jack, clutching the jar of dirt I hadn't noticed he had, looked at Will with a sort of evil smile and said, "The Flying Dutchman, mate."

Then he swaggered off into his cabin, probably to be alone with his jar of dirt.

Weird.

Seeing as I didn't want to see any dirtiness (har har), I jumped the Jack-ship in favor of Will, who was staring out over the ocean in a vague sort of way.

"Will," I squawked in his ear, but he didn't look at me. "Liz!" I tried. That got his attention pretty darn quick.

"What? Where!?" After a second of whipping his head around (and nearly taking my head OFF, the spaz) he sort of slumped against the rail. "She's going to die," he wailed, sort of to himself. "Bloody pirates."

Awwwww...

I pecked his head-completely affectionately, of course- and gazed out at the ocean with him for a moment, still thinking about what Tia Dalma had said to me.

Then I heard a sigh. A great, big, sad sigh. The heaving of Will's shoulders suggested that it was him. A tiny bit annoyed, I looked back to the ocean.

It would be really, really great to sleep-

SIGH. Will's shoulders heaved even more violently.

WHAT THE HECK WAS WITH HIM!?

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Every time the sighs got bigger and sadder.

SERIOUSLY!!

* * *

I bit Will's ear, irritated beyond belief with his stupid lovesick self, and abandoned his shoulder to fly up onto the mast. FINALLY, I could get some sleep.

* * *

See, apparently the great ruler of the Disney-verse hates me. Because no sooner had I finally tucked my head under my wing-then it started raining.

My turn for the big, sad, sigh.

Not that you could see much of the sky, but it started turning dark-presumably because it was turning NIGHT-but suddenly I started getting this very weird feeling...

Like I knew where this was going.

It only took ten seconds to prod my brain into motion-finally the idea came that Will was about to get traded.

"JAAACCCCKKKK!!" I screamed, diving downwards; I had briefly forgotten my impairment.

I hit the deck-and started sliding across it.

"WILLLL!!" I shrieked, scrabbling at the deck with my claws and flapping my wings around. "COTTON!! GIBBS!"

Of course the Disney-Gods made a great big clap of thunder drown even my loudest parroty scream. So I just slid towards the railing. Man, I really did not want to end up in that nasty looking gray water.

"HEY!!" I bellowed-really, bellowed- "HELP ME!"

Disney-Gods were caught off guard-someone noticed me.

Hallelujah!

Gibbs stomped his foot down on my damaged wing.

"OUUCCHHH!!" I yelped, and he jumped and fell on his pudgy butt.

So of course I couldn't STOP sliding, because that would be like, fairness.

"JJAACCCKK!" I tried again. I hit one of the little rail support things; for a second I was sure that was the end of it, that I wouldn't fit, but then I slowly spiraled around it-and into the water.

Well...almost. See, I stopped abruptly in midair with a great deal of pain in the tail region.

Slowly I was hauled backwards, screaming curses at what I was sure was drawing me into the water...there was a lot of salty water and such in my eyes.

"Damn BIRD!" Will's voice snapped when I started twisting around to bite him. He plopped me down on the railing and sulked over to where Jack was.

"Sorry!" I called after him. "Thank!"

Will waved an irritated hand at me and joined Jack and Gibbs.

"So," he said. "That's the Flying Dutchman? She doesn't look like much."

"Must have run afoul of the reef," Gibbs added, looking at Jack meaningfully.

"Well then," Will grumbled, still in a bad mood. "Here's how we'll do it. I'll go over there and find your bloody key, Jack, and THEN we go to Port Royal to save Elizabeth."

"Fine by me, mate," Jack said, "But-if you are to find any..crewmembers?"

Will glared out at the wreck. "I cut down anyone in my path."

Jack nodded approval as Will stalked over to the boat.

"Will," I squawked breathlessly. "Wait!"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" he snapped, then seemed to realize he was yelling at a bird.

Totally a pointless exercise.

"Will," I insisted, heaving my soaked, aching self onto his shoulder. "Wait!"

Will looked at me out of the corner of his eye-then shook his head (rudely spraying me with water) and climbed down into the waiting boat.

Twice I thought we were going to go over, and that would be the end of it. The boat was basically underwater-Will had to take a minute to haul it up onto the wreck a bit so it wouldn't sink.

He started in a determined fashion up the wreck-and promptly tripped, fell flat on his face, and slid down on his belly, only the boat stopping him from falling into the water.

Of course I sat in the boat, watching him struggle up the slope three or four times before he finally grabbed the lantern on the boat and went back up-wreck. This time I went as far as the mast of the ruined ship, watching with more concern. A glance off to the left showed darkness where I knew Jack's stupid little ship was.

Will was talking, but I suddenly noticed something below me. Something that crawled onto the deck before collapsing. Will whirled and hung the lantern up by me. "Hey!" he shouted.

"NO WILL, DON'T!" I shrieked. He flipped the man onto his back anyway-to reveal a pale, smooth circle where a face should be.

Omigodomigod-

"RUN!" I screamed. "WILL, GET AUU..AWW...OWW-TT!! RUN!"

A ghostly, sea-life encrusted, creepy looking ship exploded out of the water beside us as Will turned to look at me.

The Flying Dutchman.

Greeeeaaaattt.

* * *

**Look, a chapter! And next chapter will be -dramatic pause- DAVY JONES!! D **


	25. Jones

**Note: Pirates isn't mine, etc. If you guys see anything weird or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! Don't let me get embarassed...**

* * *

There was a scream that sounded vaguely like a voice, but too rough to possibly be human...

Well, duh. What would you do if a giant ship full of undead people shot out of the water next to you? Certainly not jump for joy.

"RUN!!" I screamed. "RUN TURNER RUN!!" I started whacking my wings in his face- too bad for him that one wing was bad, because I was basically bouncing off his face over and over like a paddleball. Will staggered backwards.

"STOP IT!" he yelled. "WHAT THE BLOODY-" Will came up against the railing, tripped, and went over the side.

Good thing the poor little ruined boat had landed on a HUGE rock, because Will bounced off it, into the water, and bobbed up a second later. He clawed his way onto the rock. "What?" he demanded, looking up at me.

"Yeep," I yeeped. Not that I was a coward or anything, but a bunch of fish people had just morphed onto the ship, or whatever they call the suddenly appearing business. I shrank into an itsy ball of feathers on the railing.

"What are you doing?" Will asked.

Oh, yeah, because the bird is going to answer you when the fish people are everywhere. "Shut up," I squawked-thank goodness the fish people were all too busy finding victims to notice me.

"WHAT!?" Will squawked-haha- at me. "You've got me into this mess-"

His voice trailed away. I could see why, since Fish-Head had just leaned over the side of the ship, right next to me. "Oi!" Shark-Head bellowed. "You there!" His ugly sharky face twisted into an ugly sharky grin.

Will turned the color of cheese (the Swiss kind. Weird) and whipped around, looking like he was about to dive right into the water and forget all about Jack's "bloody key."

Except Fish-Head was suddenly standing next to him on the rock, hauling him back by the collar. Will choked and wiggled a lot, trying to keep the Shark-Man from going ANYWHERE with him when Fish-Head whacked him with the flat part of the ax-thingy he had in his hand.

I always knew I hated sharks.

"HEY!" I shouted, indignant. No one messes with Will but me!! And the creepy island people...but still.

"Lookie 'ere," a voice said suddenly. A very wet, cold thing went around my suddenly very teeny body. "'S a little birdy!"

"Bite me," I sulked. There was no use struggling, I knew I was stuck this time.

The voice burst into laughter. Haha, voice, haha. Twisting a bit-but being VERY careful not to struggle, for fear of being sliced into birdy confetti- I peeked back at whoever was holding me. Wasn't anyone I knew by name.

"LINE THEM UP-AH!" a voice barked. A VERY FAMILIAR VOICE.

Oh. My. God.

* * *

Nameless-Crewman-Holding-Parrot nudged a couple of guys in line with his foot and stepped back behind them.

A figure stalked out of the water-idly I wondered if he had done the walking trick the undead pirates in The Curse of the Black Pearl had-and paused for a moment before continuing up the deck.

"Five men still alive," Shark-Head reported. "The rest have moved on." He smirked.

The jerk.

Will sort of woke up a bit when someone whacked him in the back of the head-how that worked, I don't know, but he twitched and looked about with bleary sort of eyes. Those eyes got REALLY big when they saw the squid/crab/man thingy.

"Do you feah-ah death?" Davy Jones asked, bending down suddenly in front of a skinny little guy with blondish hair. The man squeaked and flinched back. "Do you feah-ah that dark-k ahbyss?"

He struck a match or something-it lit up his horrible face. Somehow, the movie hadn't done him justice, could never really do him justice. He was really, really slimy looking, his skin actually changing color a bit, like the octopus or whatever on his face was doing that creepy octopus camouflage thing. More gooey slime dripped off the tentacle hand that grasped the pipe, and the crab claw was barely a claw, it was so encrusted with barnacles and such.

Wow. That was...different.

"All your deeds laid baih," Davy continued. "Your sins-uh punished. Only I can offer ye an escape."

"D-don't listen to him!" a voice barely whispered in front of me. It was the crucifix guy, the guy willing to take his chances in the afterlife. No one had noticed his outburst.

"DON'T LISTEN!" I squawked for him. Everyone's head whipped towards me, then crucifix guy.

Squid-man's slimy tentacle wrapped tight around the man's throat. "Do you feah-ah death?" he hissed.

Crucifix shook his head a tiny bit. "I'll take my chances, sir," he muttered.

Davy looked up at the guy holding me and nodded at him. I flinched as the Unknown-Fish-Person dropped me and grabbed the guy. I tried not to look.

Even though, as a bird, I had no sense of smell, my human brain helpfully provided the reek of rust and salt that was blood. My head got swimmy for a few minutes. I heard something about the cruel afterlife and serving 100 years, blah blah blah.

"YOU," Jones said suddenly. "You are neither dead nor dy-ing. What is yer purpose heah?"

Will!!

Will cringed a little bit, still blurry-looking. Guy had forgotten to pick me up again, so I fluttered to Will's head. "Jack Sparrow," I said, right into Davy's face.

The funny-changing-colors Octopus-man blinked and turned briefly WHITE, I swear. "Jack...Sparra!!" he hissed. No asking anyone for repeats. Davy's head snapped up, and he glared out at the ocean.

"Why-ah are you here?" he hissed. Will rolled his eyes way back into his head to look at me-I peered down at him. Squid-man scared me, I wasn't talkin' to him again, even for Will.

"To settle Jack's Sparrow's debt," Will mumbled.

Jones heard him.

"Ha, did he now?" he sneered.

He and the crew vanished suddenly.

"What have you done?" Will hissed at me.

I glanced over my shoulder. "Jump," I ordered.

"Wha-?"

"JUMP!!" I said louder. "DAMMIT, JUMP!"

Will looked at me-he looked over his shoulder at the dim form of the Black Pearl.

"WII-LLL!!" I whined, digging my claws into his head. "Jump!"

Stupid blacksmith idiot!! Hurry! Hurry before mean people beat you up!!

"MISTER JONES!!" one of the sailors shouted. "Mister Jones!"

"Dammit!" Will groaned, and jumped to his feet and launched himself over the side.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry if it's a weensie bit shorter, it was all I had left in me after a really long trip. Hope Davy Jones was enjoyable-he's harder to write than I thought he was, so he didn't get many original lines...whoops. **


	26. Tortuga

**Note: If you guys see anything weird or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! Don't let me get embarassed...**

* * *

I yanked upwards hard, pulling on a bunch of Will's hair. As a result, he sort of belly-flopped rather than doing some sort of artful dive. Which just adds a bit of humanity to everything.

Will didn't hit too hard, the water being so close and all, so I was only underwater for about three seconds before he came up, already swimming for the Pearl.

"MISTER JONES!" The stupid traitor guy was still screaming bloody murder. Whatever happened to the whole 'treat others like you want to be treated' business? Didn't they know the Golden Rule around here?

"MOVE!" I shrieked, giving a little extra jerk on Will's hair for emphasis.

"Not...helping," he panted, still swimming for all he was worth.

"Wiillll," I whined again. The Dutchman was gone already, which I assumed was a very, very, capital B BAD THING. "Move!"

Will stopped dead in the water. "You aren't particularly helpful!" he snapped at me.

"WILL!" I screamed, and he bobbed under and started swimming again.

The water started to bubble under us-I could see the outline of the Pearl, looming much closer than before. _Oooh, Will, please hurry, I don't want to be fishbait I don't want to be fishbait I don't-_

The Flying Dutchman-well, flew-out of the water right under us, and Will I went-well, flying.

Screaming like girls, of course. What else could we do?

Will crashed into that little crocodile nose thingy on the front of the ship-his arms locked around it on reflex, stopping his fall.

Poor birdy was depending on her wings to save her.

I mean, I'd done it before-whip the wings out and glide around. I'd just forgotten one thing-

One of my wings was..well, not operating. So one wing came whipping out, and the other did too-but with less results. I spiraled a bit, slowing my descent but still about to bite ocean-

When I, too, hit the crocodile thingy. Only I fell INSIDE the little mouth part-between the jagged teeth? Yeah, I don't know how I got there either.

"Mistah Turnah," a voice said from somewhere above me. "Theah you are."

Crap. I recognized that self-satisfied, creepy voice-it was Squiddly. And despite my efforts (okay, WILL'S efforts-but I'd _told _him to swim for it!) he'd got Will's soul.

Which basically doomed him to meet his father, for whom he would eventually start betraying everyone for and finally die.

This was a very, very crappy evening.

My brief, rather idiotic plan was to hang out on Davy Jones's ship until Jack showed up, but that was another capital B Bad Idea. Since I wasn't people, I wasn't so sure that the whole in and out of water business wouldn't kill me.

And death was not good.

Revising my plan, I did a lopsided takeoff into the air, hoping no one would notice a little bright blue birdy in the nasty weather. No one did, and I was on the Black Pearl a second later.

Jack was watching the Dutchman sail away into the fog with a strange expression.

Will was gone, which meant I no longer had anyone to mess with.

As I watched Jack, who had sold my object of gleeful torture, I decided to replace Will-for now.

* * *

I yanked on one of the charms in Jack's hair when Mr. Gibbs came in. Jack looked up, with a vaguely annoyed expression. "What the bloody hell is it?" he wanted to know.

"We've made port, sir," Mr. Gibbs announced.

"Very good," Jack replied. I clung to his shoulder as he stood up, not wanting to be dislodged. "Bloody bird," he grumbled.

"What's the matter with it, Captain?" Gibbs asked as they walked onto the little plank-y thingy onto the dock.

Jack waved a hand vaguely, already having forgotten what he was talking about.

Looking around, I thought it was pretty sad that even though I'd been here once in the daylight, I recognized Tortuga. It was actually basically the same, just less...colorful. I was glad for it, even if it meant that the creepy people were way creepier when they appeared out of the darkness.

"Perfect," Jack muttered, and started walking towards a little building draped with rum-drinking, hysterically laughing pirates. I did NOT want any of those to touch me-I shrank under Jack's hair as much as I could and tried to look invisible. Jack flapped a hand at me irritably, and once again forgot what he was doing and dropped his hand.

What, was his hand some trigger to his memory or something?? Yeesh. He wasn't as much fun as Will had been.

Some creep in a super-frizzy white wig staggered past us- and then did a sort of double take. I did too, when I recognized him under the dirt and frizz and who-knows-what-else.

"Norry?" I squeaked.

* * *

**Good grief, I promised a quicker update last time, didn't I? And here it is..two weeks later. Whoops. **

**I know it's short, but I wasn't really 'feeling' this chapter so much. I don't know why...I think the infamous disease known as writer's block is coming up on me. -shudder- **


	27. Recruit

**Note: If you guys see anything weird or VERY WRONG with spelling or something, tell me!! Don't let me get embarassed...**

* * *

Norrington gave us a weird, squinty-eyed look. I tried not to look BACK, but it was almost impossible to rip my eyes away from him.

Dang, he looked...er...different.

His frizzy white wig was MORE than frizzy; I could see that now. It was wet and kind of mangy looking, with bits of who-knows-what sticking out of it. He hadn't shaved in a while, either, so his FACE also looked fairly mangy.

Then...he didn't really walk like he had a stick you-know-where, either. He sort of slouched along with a lovely, unmarked brownish bottle in his hand. I sort of wondered what it was, but decided it didn't matter. Whatever it was, it was clear he'd been drinking a lot of it.

If I could have smiled, I would have. I looked at Jack-trying to look invisible, peering at Norrington out of the corner of his eye-and then Norry, who was still staring at us trying to figure out where he knew us from.

I flapped my undamaged wing in greeting. "HEY THERE, NORRY!!!" I bellowed. All of Tortuga heard me.

Jack tried to clap a hand over my beak, but I bit him. He yelped and started flailing at his shoulder, where I was NOT. I was on his head now, flapping a wing at Norry and making a fuss.

"JACK LOOK, NORRY!!" I screamed. "HI, NORRY!!!"

"Shut UP!" Jack hissed, finally having figured out where I was and whacking at his head.

Through all the screaming, Norrington suddenly seemed to get it. "You," he slurred, stumbling a step forwards. "I KNOW you."

"I...don't know WHAT you're talking about," Jack said, his eyes fastened on someone else.

"You're CAPTAIN JACK Sparrow," Norrington said in a very thick, drunk-guy manner.

I bobbed my head. "Yes!" I squawked, just as Jack squawked, "NO I AM NOT!!!"

Norrington peered at us through his bloodshot eyes. "Yes you are," he insisted. "I'd know that....face anywhere." He took a really long gulp from the bottle, and then made a face, looking at it like he'd never seen it before. He scowled at us, looking for just an instant like old Norry. Then he tossed his bottle aside...

Where it smacked a really big guy in the head. Said big guy shot to his feet with a lion-like roar of rage. "WHO DID THAT!?!?" he roared.

Norrington jabbed a finger at Jack, just as Jack jabbed a finger at him. "IT WAS HIM!!!" they shouted at the same time.

Oh, jeez. I considered leaving Jack's head-I had a feeling it wasn't going to be a very safe place in a moment.

"Mr. Gibbs, I think it's time to be going," Jack announced.

"Good idea, sir," Gibbs replied.

"JACK!" a voice called, but the slowly rising volume of voices blocked most of it out. I whipped my head around.

Standing in the door of the Faithful Bride was none other than Elizabeth Swann herself.

"LIZ!!!!" I shrieked, happy and horrified all at once. Jack jumped, apparently just as horrified as me.

I waved my good wing frantically. No way was Jack going to slide out of this.

"LIZ!!!" I squawked. "HERE!!!"

She started pushing her way through the throng around around Norry-Jack started making his way towards the door at the exact same moment. Of course.

"JACK!" Elizabeth screamed in outrage. A glance backwards showed she had hauled Norrington right up and was dragging him along after her like a pet dog.

Jack sped up, nearly dislodging me. I thwapped his head with my wings. "HEY!" I shouted. He shook his head like a wet dog-I dug my claws into his head.

I couldn't see Elizabeth following us, and her girly shrieks weren't following us either. Jack risked a glance over his shoulder, looking relieved, as we hustled back to the ship. Jack snatched me off his head before I could do ANYTHING and clamped my beak shut with his hand.

I thought horrible curses at him.

Jack turned around again-and yelped. If I could have smiled, I would have. Instead, I gave a muffled, triumphant sort of cry.

"Hello, Jack," Elizabeth said, looking very, very angry.

* * *

**A/N: I'm trying to get back in the groove of writing, honestly. But I have really, really poor time management skills. -cough- So I'm just going to WARN you that updates might be even later than this one was until I can sort things out, savvy??? XD **


	28. She's BACK!

**Note: I know, I know. Clap 'er in irons, right?? **

**Funny story, though...I had this chapter typed up a while back when my computer suddenly informed me that the page was blocked and I would have to retry. So I hit "Refresh" and...THE CHAPTER WAS GONE. -headdesk- It's just taken a while for me to warm back up to my computer.**

Elizabeth was, unfortunately for Jack, blocking his path. Fotunately for ME, he was so stunned by her reappearance that he let go of me, and I squirmed away from him. An awkward flying leap sent me sprawling onto Gibbs's shoulder.

Ouch.

I was very glad that I moved; Elizabeth's eyes were like laser beams, glaring into Jack's head.

"_Captain_ Sparrow," she said in a very cold, very calm voice.

Gulp.

"Come to join me crew, lad?" Jack wanted to know.

OH, GOD. After I'd spent the last several minutes shrieking "LIZ!" Jack had no idea that Elizabeth was standing right in front of him. "LIZ!" I shrieked helpfully.

Jack shot me a look.

"I'm here to find the man I love," Elizabeth replied to Jack.

"Well, I'm very flattered-" Jack began.

"Not YOU, Captain Sparrow, I meant William Turner," Elizabeth said impatiently.

Jack blinked. "Oh....Lizzie," he said finally. He whirled to Gibbs. "Hide the rum," he hissed, perfectly audible.

Elizabeth's already annoyed expression darkened. "Jack," she said clearly, as if speaking to an idiot. Which, you know, she sort of was. "I KNOW Will came to see you." Her face looked worried. "Where is he?"

Uh-oh, Jacky boy, looks like you're in TROUUUBBLLEEE, I thought wickedly. As if he could hear me, Jack shot a warning glare in my direction. "Oh...terrible thing, that."

"Terrible?" Elizabeth asked faintly. Her face had turned the color of sour milk in seconds. I surveyed the sickly color with interest.

"Darling," Jack began, "I am truly sorry to have to tell you this..." he paused for dramatic effect, and slid his arm over her shoulders. If I had had hands I would have slapped him. "But-through an unfortunate and entirely unforeseeable series of circumstances that had nothing whatsoever to do with me-poor William has been press-ganged into Davy Jones's crew."

Elizabeth shrugged Jack's arm off absently. "Davy Jones??"

Norrington spoke suddenly, startling all of us. "Oh, _PLEASE,_" he sneered. "What would the captain of the _Flying Dutchman_ want with Will Turner?"

I bristled on Will's behalf, insulted by his tone. "NORRY!" I squawked.

"Bird," he snapped back.

Annoyed, Jack glared at Norrington. "You look bloody awful, what happened to you?"

"I'm a member of your crew," Norrington spat.

"When was that little detail decided?" Jack demanded.

"You owe me," Norrington replied.

"**_JACK._**"

Their heads swiveled towards Elizabeth at the same time, the same annoyed expression on their faces.

"What?" Jack asked.

"All I want is to find Will," Elizabeth said, somewhat desperately.

Jack's eyes narrowed-I buried my face in my wing. Never show desperation to a pirate. Especially not Jack Sparrow.

"Are you certain? Is that _really_ what you want most?" he said slyly.

"Of course!" Elizabeth cried indignantly.

Jack tried to hustle her off to the side, but I latched onto his hat as he passed me and hauled myself onto his shoulder. He brushed vaguely at me but let me be.

"I would think you'd want to find a way to SAVE Will most," he continued.

Oh, GOD.

"A-and you'd have a way of...doing that?" Elizabeth asked hesitantly.

"Weeeellll...." Jack began, somewhat reluctantly. You had to hand it to him, he sure could act. Unfortunately for Lizzie. "There is a chest."

Norrington rolled his eyes. "Oh, GOD."

My thoughts exactly.

Unperturbed, Jack continued. "A chest of unknown size and origin..."

"..What contains the still beatin' 'eart o' Davy Jones," the short dirty man whose name I couldn't remember snickered. His tall, skinny, one-eyed companion-_Ragetti-_ smirked and imitated a still beating heart after it had been torn out.

They were such CHILDREN!

"And whoever possesses that chest, possesses the leverage to command Jones to do whatever it is he or she wants. Including saving brave William from his grim fate," Jack ended, gleefully tossing in the tidbit about Will. I yanked hard on a couple of his dreads. "YOUCH!"

"_Tell _me you don't believe _him_," Norrington said in a world-suffering tone.

"How would we find it?" Elizabeth wanted to know, and you could tell she'd fallen for Jack's story hook, line, and sinker.

Greaaaaaat.

"My compass is unique," Jack pointed out.

"Unique here having the meaning of..BROKEN," Norrington drawled.

"NORRY!" I shrieked, and then made a sort of hissing noise that was supposed to sound like "SHHH."

"True enough," Jack admitted. "This compass does not, in fact, point north."

"Then...where does it point?" Elizabeth demanded.

"It points to the one thing in this world that you want most," Jack replied mysteriously.

"Jaaccccckkk," Elizabeth said skeptically, shaking her head. "Are you telling the truth?"

Finally! She had sense after all!

"Every word, love," Jack assured her. "And, of course what you want most is to find the chest of Davy Jones, isn't it?" He placed the compass gently into her hands.

Sigh. And she was back where she'd started again.

"To save Will," Elizabeth corrected, glaring at Jack.

"By FINDING the chest of Jones," Jack re-corrected her. He opened the compass and took several steps back-then leapt forward again and peered at the compass in Elizabeth's hands. She stared at it in intense concentration. "Mr. Gibbs!" he barked.

"Cap'n?" Gibbs replied.

"We have our heading!" Jack cried triumphantly.

On the upside, I guess we would be seeing Will soon.

* * *

**There, a longish chapter!!! =D Yay for Raiths! **


	29. Norry the Parrot

**A/N: OMGNESS! (chatspeak...-headdesk-) It's been a year and one day since Mr. Cotton's Parrot was started!!! And I thought I would be done by now!! XD Oh well. **

* * *

I gave up on Jack-torture. He was incorrigible. Instead I spent my time with Norry.

Right now he was scrubbing the deck.

"NORRY!" I squawked helpfully, pointing at a teeny little dry space near him.

He shot me a death glare. "I suppose being part of the-" He looked around at the pirates with disgust-"CREW means I'll have to put up with you from now on, won't I?"

"YUP," I replied cheerfully.

Norry scowled. "Excellent," he sighed, going back to the scrubbing.

I dropped onto his scruffy little head.

He froze-and then realized what had happened. "Do you mind??" he hissed. "I'm supposed to be..."he paused. "SCRUBBING," he spat out.

"ADMIRAL!" I shrieked. Norrington flinched.

"MUST you mock me?" he demanded, snatching me off his head.

"Yup."

He groaned.

Hehehehe. Norry.

"What do they call you anyway, useless creature?" he asked after a moment. It took me a second-he was squeezing REALLY HARD.

I shrugged as best I could.

"No name?" he mused. "Not even Filthy Little Bilge Rat?"

Shrug.

"Hm. Well, your name is Norry now."

"WHAT!?!?" I/newly dubbed Norry screamed.

"You seem rather fond of it," he snickered. "Norry."

"NORRY!!!" I shrieked.

Nope. Now that it was MY name he was unaffected by it.

"James?" Elizabeth said. "What are you doing?"

"Having a little talk with Norry," he replied, giving me a triumphant look.

"Oh, is that its name?"

"NO!" I protested.

Wait, wasn't Lizzie supposed to be talking with Jack??

Could it be...persuasion? Had I missed it??

Lizzie looked frustrated, and Jack was straightening something inside his clothes.

Oh, yah. I was thinking I missed persuasion.

Drat.

Norrington got up and slammed himself against the railing next to Lizzie with drunken grace. "It's a curious thing," he drawled. "There was a time when I would have given anything for you to look at me like that."

Lizzie looked at him, at Jack, and then back at Norry, her face all red. "I don't know what you mean," she said primly.

"Oh, I think you do," James said with a sly grin.

Elizabeth turned redder. "Don't be absurd," she replied. "I trust him, is all."

Yeeaaaaaaaahhh. Okay. Norrington wasn't going for that any more than I was. Hello, Jack was a pirate. Pirates CAN'T be trusted. Lizzie of all people should have known this.

Good grief, I thought Airhead Liz was reserved for the first movie.

"Hmm," Norrington said. And that was all for a moment. Then, "So you aren't wondering how your _LATEST _fiancé ended up on the Flying Dutchman? Not at all?"

OH. BURN.

Elizabeth looked at him, and then over Norrington at Jack.

Satisfied with his day's evil, Norrington crouched to his bucket and cheerfully dumped the contents over the side.

It was probably deliberate that some of the bucket water hit me in the face.

* * *

**ARGH. Didn't include enough stuff from the movie to satisfy myself, but I enjoyed writing this chapter. Helen-parrot finally got a name, which she will be called by everyone now. ;p Which is a relief, because "Hey YOU! _BIRD_!" was getting old.**


	30. The Return

**A/N: Forgivemeforgivemeforgiveme!!! I've been soooo busy getting ready to move and then I didn't have a computer and I've been too lazy to walk to the library and my laptop has some SERIOUSLY STRICT parental controls, so I can only be on for one hour a day and it's a mess. :( I'm sorry!!**

* * *

"What do you think, _Norry_?" Norrington asked me, glancing at the island in the distance. "Should I beat Jack at his own game?"

"Shut up, _Jimmy_," I grumbled-not in the best of moods. Disgusting bucket water probably had something to do with it. I didn't even want to TRY and clean my feathers, especially not with my MOUTH.

Jimmy Norrington scowled at me, and I made the closest noise I could to a snicker. His revenge hadn't lasted long, because I had found another annoying nickname for him. If anything, "Jimmy" upset him more than "Norry."

But everyone on the whole ship was calling me "Norry" now. Sigh.

"You are the most unspectacularly helpful-" he began, and I interjected indignantly. I HAD been listening to him, but how could he really expect ME to help HIM?

"RUM-LICKER!" I shrieked.

"-Disgusting, foul-mouthed-" he continued, and I narrowed my eyes, launching into my own tirade with my still-limited vocabulary.

"LIME SUCKING DOG WORMS!" I screamed, getting all worked up.

"He may be all that, mate, but there's no need to be shoutin' on my ship," Jack said in a very Zen-sounding voice. I jumped a little, surprised by his sudden appearance. He patted my head with one finger-I bit him. Just because I had given up messing with him didn't mean we were suddenly buddies.

Jack whipped his hand around-I let go just as he whipped it at the mast, and Jack smashed his knuckles into the wood. He said an impolite word, and I made my snickering noise at him from the deck, dragging myself upright and hopping towards the nearest set of ropes for me to climb.

Travel was getting inconvenient now that I was missing my very important feathers. I could only hope they grew back while I was resting my wings.

"Cap'n!" Gibbs shouted, pointing and bouncing up and down a little bit. That was Gibbs's version of "Land ho!" Jack-nursing his wounded hand-shot me an evil look, and then scurried over to the upper-deck-whatsit. Elizabeth looked up to see what all the fuss was about, and I scuttled sideways over the ropes until I was roughly over her before leaping off my perch, spreading my wings so I wouldn't smack into her head at full speed.

She still jumped a little-poor girl had no idea how lucky she was that I'd landed as softly as I did-before looking over at me. "Don't DO that," she scolded in a very prim and proper English-lady voice.

"WILL," I explained-my favorite victim was bound to show up on this island right about when the chest was getting dug up.

"What about him?" Elizabeth demanded, a little angrily. Her face was getting all red. "I didn't DO anything!"

If I'd had eyebrows, I would have raised them. What was she talking about?

"You don't say a WORD to him about it, that was JACK'S fault, not mine," she continued.

Ooooohhhh. She thought I was going to tell Will about her and Jack's "romantic" moment. Um, no.

If only because I couldn't say "romantic moment".

"Aye-aye," I chirped, waving a wing in a mock salute.

* * *

OK, so I was getting bored.

We'd already gotten to the island, Elizabeth had located the chest, and Norry was digging.

How BORING was THAT?

I kept looking back at the water, trying to determine when, exactly, Will came roaring up on his turbo-sea-turtles and said his piece.

But he wasn't showing up yet.

Which kind of worried me. I mean, after that stupid snitching guy had gotten Will captured anyway, what if Davy Jones had tied him up or something? Or just decided he wasn't worth the trouble and tossed him over the side and let him keep swimming? THAT WOULD BE SO BAD!!!

Jack came up right next to me-since he was sitting, and I was perched on a little dune-thing, we were about even-and stared out over the water with me for about two seconds. "What are you looking at?" he wanted to know.

His breath was foul. I swear I almost keeled over and died right then and there. "WILL," I managed to choke.

"Will?" Jack parroted. Haha.

Elizabeth looked over almost before he was done speaking. But of course there wasn't any Will YET.

Jack got all nervous-looking. "Nothing, Lizzie," he explained.

He needed to GET his face AWAY from me!! Across-the-beach away!

_THUNK._

Everyone-me included-whipped around to see what Norry had just hit with his shovel.

Oh, duh. Chest. Chest of Davy Jones.

And then I remembered what showed up AFTER Will showed up.

Maybe we should just take the whole chest and run for the ship, open it up later.

"JACK, NO!" I squawked.

They lifted a chest up out of the sand. Oh, look, a CHEST!

"JIMMMMYYYYYYY, NO!" I tried again. Everyone was absorbed in the chest, their backs to me.

Fine. If they would ignore me, I would ignore them too.

I turned my back on them, flipped my tail-

And saw one William Turner II walking up onto the beach, soaking wet.

"WILL!" I screamed excitedly.

No one turned around-they all had their ears pressed against the chest.

"It's real!" I heard Elizabeth say.

I was turning circles with happiness. Will HADN'T gotten killed because of Mr. Snitch (or me), and here he was alive and mostly well, except for some additional emotional scarring!

"WILL!" I shrieked, and took awkwardly to the air, winging it towards him. I didn't crash-I actually managed a semi-graceful landing on his shoulder, if only because my talons got caught in his coat.

He wasn't paying attention to me-he was replying to something Jack had said. "With good reason!" he called-everyone turned around at the sound of his voice.

Jimmy's face got a little more "I-just-bit-a-lemon"-y. Jack looked almost upset.

Real nice guys.

"Will!" Elizabeth shrieked, high and loud enough to break the sound barrier. I leapt off Will's shoulder just as she smashed into him and-

Well. You've all seen the movie.

It was kind of awkward watching it in person-or, rather, in parrot.

"How did YOU get here?" Jack wanted to know-still looking upset. Way to conceal those emotions there, Jackie.

"Sea turtles, mate," Will said cheerfully-a little breathless from his making-out session with Liz. "A pair of them, strapped to my feet."

"Not as easy as I made it sound, is it?" Jack half-sneered, wobbling in his typical drunken fashion.

"I do owe YOU thanks, Jack," Will continued.

I blinked.

Jack blinked.

"You...do," Jack said, a little confused.

"After you tricked me onto that ship to repay your debt to Jones," Will replied.

"WHAT?" Elizabeth asked.

"What?" Jack repeated.

"WHATTTTT?" I added, just for the heck of it.

"Because of you, I was reunited with my father," Will clarified.

"Oh." Jack grinned, as if he had planned it out that way. "Well! You're welcome then!"

Elizabeth was indignant. I guess I would be too, if I had been manipulated into helping someone under the pretense of them helping me.

A little confused, too.

"Everything you said to me...every word was a lie!"

Not necessarily true.

"Pretty much," Jack agreed after a moment of thinking.

NICE. Way to be sneaky, Jack.

"Time and tide, love," he added, as if that explained everything.

Will was busy opening up the chest.

"What are you doing?" Jack squawked, rushing over.

"Killing _Jones," _Will said patiently, in the same voice I used with my six-year-old cousin.

"No, you can't do that!" Jack whipped out his sword and assumed a manlier voice.

I thought that was a wise choice. The squeaky panicked voice hadn't done much for me.

"If Jones is dead, who's to call his terrible beastie off the hunt? Now, if you please: the key." He held out his hand.

Oh yeah. Cause Will is going to give the key to YOU, Jack.

Will took a few steps back-and snatched Elizabeth's sword from her and pointed it at Jack.

"I keep the promises I make, Jack," he said, and he didn't need to add, _Unlike YOU._ It was implied pretty well by his tone. "I intend to free my father, and I hope you're here to see it."

"I can't let you do that EITHER!" Norrington cut in, pointing his sword at Will.

What a lovely day at the beach.

* * *

**Hope the longer chapter makes up for the lack of updates...I'm going away for a week or two to Florida, but when I come back I'll have the next chapter all planned out and ready to type up. ;p**


End file.
